The Siren’s Call of Riches

From a young age, we’re bombarded with messages that more is better – fancier cars, bigger houses, trendier clothes. Society seems to value outward symbols of wealth above all else. The temple of Mammon, that seductive lure of money and possessions, calls to all of us with temptations of status, power and indulgence. But what is the true cost of heeding its ominous chime?

Empty Souls, Empty Lives

Those who worship solely at the altar of material gain often lead hollow lives, devoid of deeper meaning, purpose or human connection. Yes, they may obtain all the toys and trappings of wealth. But too late they realise how vapid and unfulfilling it is to be rich in money but bankrupt of spirit. Their relationships suffer as materialism displaces what’s truly valuable. At their darkest moments, they feel a gnawing emptiness money cannot fill.

Ethical Bankruptcy

Tragically, unrestrained greed frequently breeds ethical lapses and moral decay. From criminal financial scandals to exploiting workers or plundering the environment for profit, those entranced by Mammon’s spell often abandon core principles along the way. They cut moral corners, justifying any misdeed in ruthless pursuit of greater monetary gain. This ethical miasma rots the soul.

A Barely Half-Lived

Even for those who manage to acquire wealth through more honest means, an obsession with money and status tends to stunt human potential in other areas. Creativity, relationships, personal growth and contributing to the greater good often get sacrificed at the altar of materialism. These one-dimensional ‘millionaire misers’ huddle in gilded cages, having achieved financial success at the cost of living a transcendent, multi-faceted life.

An Antidote: Simplicity, Balance, Empathy and Compassion

While money provides security and comforts, we migh choose to balance its pursuit against cultivating the richness of the human spirit – creativity, relationships, ethical integrity and concern for each other. Leading a life of simplicity, where possessions don’t possess you, allows discovery of what’s genuinely ennobling and fulfilling. Rather than sold our souls to the false edifice of wealth, we’d be wiser to construct our life’s temple upon foundations of wisdom, service and compassion.

“The things you own end up owning you. It’s only after you lose everything that you’re free to do anything.”

~ Tyler Durden, Fight Club

The Flimsy Basis for Many Professed Insights

It’s funny how many writers, consultants, and self-proclaimed experts start an article or blog post with the words “In my experience…” and then proceed to draw broad conclusions, propose sweeping solutions, and make grandiose claims – not actually grounded in robust experience, but rather their subjective and often flawed interpretation of quite limited experience.

We’ve all been there – feeling tempted to extrapolate outwards from our own anecdotal experiences to posit some greater truth or insight about the world. But the honest reality is that individual experiences, no matter how personally profound they may feel, are just tiny data points that frequently fail to capture the true complexity of situations.

The Arrogance of Overgeneralising

It takes arrogance and hubris of the highest degree to go from “In my experience doing X at Company Y for Z years…” to purporting to have universal wisdom and definitive solutions for broad challenges faced by entire industries or domains. Our experiences are almost always fragmentary and hyper-contextual.

Even for those with commendable tenures and legitimately vast experience bases, there is still the ever-present vulnerability to countless insidious cognitive biases – from confirmation bias to the fundamental attribution error – which can dramatically skew how we perceive, rationalise, and derive meaning from our experiences.

A Little Humility Can Go a Long Way

Ultimately, true insights tend to arise not from presenting one’s personal experiences as profound revelations, but from diligently studying experiences in the aggregate, across multiple contexts, through a cogent and self-aware analytical lens.

So the next time you see some thought leader open with the classic “In my experience…” hedge, pause and ask yourself – is what follows really the product of robust, generalisable experience? Or is it more likely an overgeneralisation cloaked in claimed  authority and conviction? A little humility goes a long way.

When forging deeper connections with others, open and honest communication about our fundamental human needs can make a significant difference. Needs reflect the core of our psychological and physical wellbeing – things like feeling loved, respected, and secure. By courageously sharing our needs with others, we create space for greater understanding, empathy, and opportunities to meet those needs in healthy ways within our relationships.

The Power of Vulnerability

Laying our needs on the table takes vulnerability, as it exposes the tender parts of ourselves that can feel weak or needy. However, this openness displays strength and provides the pathway to having our needs met, and attending to the needs of others. When we stay silent about our needs, for fear of judgment or rejection, they most likely go unmet, leading to frustration, resentment, and emotional disconnection over time.

Attending to Needs Fosters Closeness

On the other hand, when we share our needs respectfully with others and they respond with compassion, it allows bonding experiences that function as the bread and butter of positive relationships. Perhaps your need involves quality time together, words of affirmation, or simply feeling heard and understood. By bringing your needs to light, you give your peers, partner, friend, or colleage the chance to step up and attend to them, which generates a lovely cycle of feeling cared for and appreciated.

The Dangers of Focusing Only on Wants

While needs find their basis in our core values and persist continuously, wants represent more fleeting and situational aspects. Wants act as temporary cravings, material desires, or cravings for novelty and spontaneity. Discussing wants in a relationship can lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment, not to mention a superficial connection that lacks warmth, meaning, depth and longevity.

Prioritising Wants Misses the Point

While sharing our passing desires and cravings with others may seem harmless on the surface, it can actually do our relationships a disservice. Wants, by their very nature, tend to be based more in impulsivity, superficiality, materialism, or chasing novelty for novelty’s sake. They represent the superficial fringes of our psyches rather than our deeper core selves.

When we prioritise discussing our more trivial, fleeting wants over candidly sharing our authentic needs, we miss out on opportunities for greater empathy and mutual understanding. Wants might include new experiences like luxury vacations, accumulating trendy possessions, or indulging our every whim and fancy. While providing jolts of temporary gratification, these cravings often lack the substance and staying power to create truly fulfilling relationships.

Needs, on the other hand, get to the heart of our fundamental human requisites for feeling loved, secure, understood, and able to grow in meaningful ways. Discussing our real needs with those closest to us – whether for quality time, words of affirmation, or feeling seen and valued – allows those people to show up for us on a deeper level. This vulnerable exchange forms the bedrock for trust, acceptance, empathy, and positive rapport to blossom.

By all means, it’s healthy to share some of our lighter wants and aspirations with those close to us, from time to time. But continually prioritising these fleeting cravings over exploring our core needs sells both parties short. It keeps the relationship dynamics surface-level and unstable, missing out on mining the realer intimacies that make connections sustainable long-term.

Confusing Wants With Needs

It’s easy for people to confuse wants with deeper needs. For example, someone may say they need the latest smartphone, when in reality what they need may nvolve feeling successful, stimulated, and part of the modern world. By focusing the conversation on the superficial want rather than the underlying need, we miss the opportunity to get to the heart of the issue and find more fulfilling solutions.

Nurturing Your Relationships

The path to healthier, longer-lasting relationships lies in getting skilled at teasing apart needs from wants, and prioritising the open-hearted sharing of our core needs with others. For in the vulnerable revealing of our fundamental human needs – not the insatiable pursuit of wants – the seeds of closeness, trust, and positive bonds find their sowing. NB. See also: the #AntimatterPrinciple.

The Benefits

When it comes to collaborative knowledge work endeavours like software development and product development, the “Antimatter Principle” offers a revolutionary approach that promises to unlock unprecedented levels of engagement, value and effectiveness. By focussing on the psychology of human behaviour and treating people’s needs as the most precious and potent resource, this principle has the potential to transform the way we approach and manage such work.

Fostering a Culture of Mutual Respect and Empathy

At its core, the Antimatter Principle advocates for a deep understanding and prioritisation of the human needs of all stakeholders involved – developers, customers, partners, and anyone else impacted by or contributing to the project. By genuinely listening to uncover everyone’s underlying needs, it fosters an environment of mutual respect, empathy, and a shared desire to contribute one’s best efforts. This nurturing atmosphere empowers individuals to tap into their deepest motivations, unlocking a wellspring of creativity, innovation, and dedication.

Aligning Efforts with What Truly Matters

Traditionally, collaborative work often prioritise metrics like productivity, deadlines, or profits, relegating human needs to a secondary concern. The Antimatter Principle flips this paradigm on its head, advocating for a psychologically aware approach that places people’s core needs at the forefront. By aligning all efforts with what truly matters to those involved, it increases the likelihood of achieving outcomes that resonate deeply and create lasting value.

Maximising Value and Effectiveness

While challenging to implement, the payoff of the Antimatter Principle is immense. By tapping into people’s core needs and motivations, it has the potential to unlock exponentially more value and effectiveness than process optimisation or profit-driven methods. This approach recognises that true success lies not in mere efficiency, but in harnessing the collective power of human potential.

Implementing the Antimatter Principle

Identifying “The Folks That Matter”

Central to the Antimatter Principle is the concept of “The Folks That Matter” – a term encompassing all stakeholders with needs inviting attention. This includes developers, team members, customers, users, sponsors, regulators, society at large, and anyone else impacted by or contributing to the project. The first step is to establish a well-reasoned process for determining who falls within this crucial group. It’s this dialogue that brings much of the power to the Antimatter Principle.

Engaging in Deep Listening

Once “The Folks That Matter” have been identified, and more importantly the policy driving such identification and prioritisation, the next step is to engage in deep, active listening to uncover their underlying needs. This invites an organisation to create safe spaces for open dialogue, fostering trust, and demonstrating genuine empathy and curiosity. By understanding the human factors driving each group’s motivations and expectations, teams can align their efforts to deliver outcomes that resonate profoundly.

Prioritising and Focusing Efforts

With a comprehensive understanding of stakeholder needs, teams can then prioritise and focus their efforts on addressing the most critical and impactful requirements. One complimentary approach involves evaluating the “Cost of Focus” – the impact on desired outcomes from including or excluding certain needs – and making strategic trade-offs when necessary. By aligning resources with the needs that truly matter, teams can maximise their potential for creating transformative value.

Embracing the Antimatter Principle

While the Antimatter Principle may seem counterintuitive or even idealistic at first glance, its potential rewards are profound. By treating people’s needs as the rarest and most potent resource, it offers a path to unlocking unprecedented levels of collaboration, innovation, and success in collaborative knowledge work endeavours. Embracing this mindset requires a paradigm shift – a willingness to prioritise human factors over traditional metrics and to invest in deep listening and empathy. However, those who embark on this journey may discover that the true “antimatter” lies not in some elusive substance but in the limitless potential of human connection and understanding.

See also: Quintessence.

Appendix: The Folks That Matter

The concept of “The Folks That Matter” is a central tenet of the Antimatter Principle, referring to all the various stakeholders, team members, customers, users, and anyone else impacted by or contributing to a collaborative project or endeavour. These are the people with needs to be prioritised and attended to.

The “interesting angle” of The Folks That Matter is examining how this set of stakeholders gets determined – through consensus, autocracy, cost/impact analysis, or other means. And what consequences result from that examination and emergent dialogue.

With finite resources, difficult trade-offs must be made about whose needs to prioritise versus discount as “Folks Who Don’t Matter” for a given scope. Note the concept of “Cost of Focus” – communicating the impact on desired outcomes from including or excluding certain stakeholders’ needs. Similar to Cost of Delay for prioritising product features.

The core premise is that until you have a well-reasoned way to determine whose needs to “focus” on (whose needs matter most), other prioritisation efforts like Cost of Delay are moot.

In essence, “The Folks That Matter” framing reinforces and provides more operational details for implementing the “Antimatter Principle” of truly prioritising understanding and delivering on people’s core needs in collaborative efforts.

While we often think of the mind as belonging to an individual, groups and organisations can develop their own collective mindset – a.k.a. collective psyche – that transcends the viewpoints of any single member. This “group mind” emerges from the shared beliefs, assumptions, and ways of thinking that become entrenched within a organisation over time.

The group mind is an entity distinct from the individual minds that comprise it, yet it is also shaped by the psychological tendencies and biases of those individuals. As people within an organisation interact, reinforce each other’s viewpoints, and establish shared narratives, a collective psyche emerges. This psyche influences how information is interpreted, how decisions are made, and how the organisation responds to change and new ideas.

While the group mind can provide a sense of unity and cohesion, it often also acts as a barrier to growth and adaptation. Outdated assumptions, confirmation biases, and a resistance to changing the status quo can become deeply ingrained, making it difficult for the organisation to evolve. Understanding the forces that shape and maintain the group mindset is crucial for leaders seeking to facilitate meaningful change within their organisations.

Shifting the Group Mindset: How Organisations Can Evolve

When it comes to organisations, whether they are corporations, non-profits, or government agencies, change is often resisted. Entrenched beliefs, established processes, and a fear of the unknown can make it challenging for groups to adapt and evolve their collective mindset. However, understanding the psychological factors at play can help leaders facilitate meaningful change within their organisations.

While leaders can play a role, truly meaningful updates to an organisation’s ingrained “group mind” often arise from the grassroots. Teams have the power to self-organise and proactively evolve the collective psyche. This shared mindset influences how people interpret information, make decisions, and embrace (or resist) change. To become an adaptable, future-ready team, try:

Combating Confirmation Bias

The tendency to seek out information confirming existing beliefs presents a major obstacle. Break through by having everone actively encourage diverse perspectives during meetings and decisions. Invite team members to argue the various sides of issues. Bring in outside experts – including organisational psychotherapists – to help challenge assumptions.

Overcoming the Status Quo Bias

Closely related to confirmation bias is the status quo bias, which is the preference for maintaining the current state of affairs, even when change could be beneficial. This bias stems from a combination of fear of uncertainty, perceived effort required for change, and a false sense of security in the familiar. The status quo feels comfortable, which makes change difficult. But fresh thinking is crucial. Clearly communicate the reasons for change and the benefits of evolving. Provide coaching for indiciduals and organisational psychotherapy for groups to help people navigate ambiguity. Celebrate small wins to build momentum. Provide support and resources to ease the transition.

The Influence of Social Proof

Humans are heavily influenced by the actions and beliefs of those around them – a phenomenon known as social proof. In organisations, this oten leads to the perpetuation of outdated or ineffective practices simply because “that’s the way it’s always been done”. Breaking this cycle requires leaders to invite everyone to model desired behaviors and create an environment where innovation and new ideas are celebrated.

Cultivating a Growth Mindset

At the core of organisational change is the ability to adopt a growth mindset – the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed through effort and learning. Leaders can foster a growth mindset by encouraging continuous learning, providing opportunities and resources for skills development, and celebrating failures as learning experiences rather than sources of shame.

Increasing Group Emotional Intelligence

Navigating change within organisations is not just an intellectual exercise; it also requires a high degree of emotional intelligence. Folks can choose to empathise with the concerns and fears of their peers and co-workers, communicate effectively, and manage their own emotions during times of stress and uncertainty. Building emotional intelligence within the organisation can help create a more resilient and adaptable culture. By increasing emotional intelligence, people can process these emotions constructively as e.g. a team. Expressly invite an environment of empathy where needs can be heard and concerns can be voiced. Learn to self-manage team emotions and dynamics.

Embracing Change as a Constant

Ultimately, organisations that are able to successfully retune their group psyche will be those that embrace change as a constant. Rather than viewing change as a temporary disruption, these organisations see it as an integral part of their growth and evolution. By fostering an environment that values learning, diversity of thought, and emotional intelligence, organisations that are truly adaptive and future-ready emerge. The most adaptable (Agile!) organisations make evolving shared assumptions and beliefs feel like a source of strength, not pain. Foster this by developing a culture where change is treated as integral to growth and development. Institutionalise mindset updates as a regular team and organisation-wide practice. Lean on communications experts within the organisation to regularly share these updates.

Conclusion

Shifting an organisation’s entrenched “group mind” is an ongoing process, not a one-time event. As the world continues evolving at a rapid pace, the ability to proactively update collective beliefs and assumptions becomes critical for survival.

In her famous essay on leverage points for changing systems, Donella Meadows identified “The Power to Transcend Paradigms” as the highest and most effective point of intervention. A paradigm refers to the shared mental model or set of beliefs that shapes how we understand reality.

For organisations, the “group mind” acts as the overarching constraint that governs how information is perceived, decisions are made, and change is approached. Failing to evolve this ingrained collective psyche essentially renders an organisation unable to see and understand the world with fresh eyes.

Those organisations that can transcend their group mind by continually questioning shared assumptions and beliefs, and entertaining new perspectives, will be the ones poised to thrive amidst volatility. They make evolving their shared beliefs an integral part of operations rather than a periodic disruption.

By developing emotional intelligence, cultivating growth mindsets, and harnessing the creative friction of diverse viewpoints, these innovative entities ensure their collective thinking remains agile and future-focused. Their “group mind” becomes a flexible asset for reinvention rather than a restraint on change.

In our era of constant upheaval across industries, the greatest competitive advantage will belong to those organisations that fully embrace the perpetual journey of transcending their in-the-moment paradigm. They understand that clinging to ingrained collective mindsets inevitably becomes a source of blindness and stagnation. Their identity centers around the reality that questioning “the group mind” itself must remain an eternally iterative process of growth.

The Harsh Reality

There I was again, sitting in yet another meeting, trying to share perspectives honed over decades of leading software teams and driving development efforts. I knew the challenges they were facing, and had wrestled with similar issues countless times before. I metaphorically raised my hand and began outlining a potential path forward, drawing upon hard-won knowledge and experience.

But I could see the glazed looks from the fresh-faced engineers before me. The furtive glances at phones and laptops. I was bombarded by the deafening silence of irrelevance.

It’s a harsh reality that many experienced technology professionals eventually need to confront. The industry moves at a blistering pace, with new languages, frameworks, and methodologies materialising every few years. Management fads come and go in eerily predictable cycles. The young zealots who embrace each new trend inevitably become the cranky stick-in-the-muds insisting, “We’ve always done it this way, and it works just fine.”

A Joyful Choice

It can be incredibly disheartening to find your deep institutional knowledge rapidly becoming irrelevant, proverbially screaming wisdom into an unheeding void. You watch in dismay as the same mistakes you learned from get repeated over and over. You furiously take notes during meetings, composing verbose emails that seemingly disappear into purgatory.

At some point, you’re left with two choices – endlessly rage against the machine of disruption and alienate those around you, or embrace your newfound irrelevance. I’ve joyfully chosen the latter.

The Therapeutic Stance

Trying to force your experiences on those unwilling or unable to receive them is incredibly unfulfilling, not to mention pointless. It simply results in frustration for all involved. Instead, I’ve learned to share my perspectives selectively with those who actively seek my counsel. I’ve let go of the need to be heard. And it’s a major reason for my current “therapeutic” stance – eschewing advice in favour of empathetic listening, non-judgement, and facilitating others’ self-discovery.

A Tremendous Liberation

In many ways, it’s a tremendous and joyful liberation. Any pressure to have all the answers dissipates. You’re free to sit back, listen, and learn from those with fresh ideas and energy. You can empathise and support when asked without putting your entire self-worth on the line.

Most importantly, you gain the ability to focus on what truly matters – making life more wonderful rather than feeding your own ego. Finding relevance in being helpful to others, not in forcing them to accept your specific brand of help. Semper mirabilis!

Unshackling Yourself

So I embrace irrelevance. I recognise that skills atrophy over time. I accept that the march of technology will inevitably leave us behind in some areas.

Might I suggest using the precious time you have left to unshackle yourself from the burden of universal relevance. Pour your efforts into making an impact where you still can. You may find more fulfilment in your later years than you ever did being the irreplaceable expert.

I started out reading David McRaney’s “How Minds Change” wanting to hate it. Just another pontificating intellectual, I thought. But then as I got into it, my mind changed. And although about individuals, the relevance to Organisational Psychotherapy became clear. Even if the answer to “…how do collective minds change” has not become entirely clear as yet.

The Desire for Consistency Deludes Us

One of the book’s great strengths is how approachably McRaney conveys complex concepts through compelling real-world examples anyone can relate to. He deftly illustrates how our innate desire to seem consistent frequently causes us to rationalise away contradictory information. We meet people who have gone to extraordinary lengths to cling to conspiracy theories, fanciful identities, and quack medical treatments despite overwhelming opposing evidence.

Online Echo Chambers Reinforce Our Delusions

McRaney also delves into the polarising effects of internet echo chambers, highlighting how we gravitate towards online sources that reinforce our views – likely contributing to rising societal divides. He makes a persuasive case that we are beautifully equipped for detecting patterns but ill-suited for changing our minds about them once beliefs have formed.

Tools For the Job

The book also sheds light on the tools we might use to change our minds – and the minds of others (if they’re so willing) – on specific issues. For example, “Deep Canvassing*” with its opening questions:

• “Where or from whom did you first hear about this issue?”
• “Do you know of anyone that has been personally affected by this issue?”

Cultivating an Open Mind

While How Minds Change paints a sobering picture of human stubbornness, it provides insights into approaches for becoming more open-minded. Developing humility, seeking differing perspectives, empathising, listening, and questioning our motives can help overcome our resistance to belief revision.

An Elegant Wake-Up Call

This superbly researched and engagingly written book is an illuminating look at how our minds so readily convince us of untrue things. How Minds Change is a must-read for understanding complexities of reasoning, cognition, and our self-deceptions. Crucially, it offers invaluable guidance for learning how to re-evaluate our most steadfast notions with an open mind.

What began as skepticism towards yet another intellectual piling on, quickly transformed into an eye-opening journey into the depths of my own mind’s resistance to change. Engaging stuff.

* Deep Canvassing

Deep canvassing is a method of door-to-door political campaigning that aims to have longer, deeper conversations with voters in order to try to change their minds on particular issues rather than just persuading them how to vote.

The key principles of deep canvassing are:

1. Using active listening and open-ended questions to have an in-depth, two-way conversation rather than just delivering scripted talking points.

2. Focusing on trying to understand the root motivations, experiences, and values that underlie a person’s stance on an issue.

3. Sharing personal narratives and trying to find common ground while also respectfully bringing up counterpoints.

4. The goal is not just to win a voter over in that moment, but to plant seeds that could lead them to re-evaluate and potentially change their stance – and minds – over a longer period of time.

Deep canvassing was pioneered in the United States by the LGBTQ rights organization LBGT Action in the lead up to same-sex marriage ballots. Their deep canvassing approach was found to be remarkably effective at shifting voter attitudes compared to traditional persuasion canvassing.

While more time-intensive, deep canvassing recognises that people’s views on controversial issues are often deeply rooted and simply dismissing or arguing against them directly is ineffective. By facilitating open-ended conversations that chip away at preconceptions over time, it aims for more durable opinion shifts.

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.”

~ Thomas Overbury

When pondering what constitutes beautiful software, we might choose to look beyond the mere lines of code on the screen. For genuine beauty in software arises not from technical excellence, but from the extent to which it genuinely serves and aligns with the needs of human beings.

A Deeper Beauty

On the surface, we may admire software having clean, elegant code structure, adhering to best practices and exhibiting visual appeal. But the ancient philosophers taught that true beauty must run deeper than superficial appearances. For software, this deeper beauty emanates from how effectively it enhances human capabilities and experiences in the real world.

Power to Elevate

Well-designed software represents the harmonious weaving of digital capabilities with human need. Just as great art inspires by achieving a personal expression of universal themes, so does beautiful software illuminate core human needs through its delivery of cohesive, purposeful functionality. It allows us to appreciate software’s power to elevate and augment our existence.

Like the Romantic poets extolled, beautiful software can facilitate a transcendent union with something greater than ourselves. When developing with insight into human needs, programmers experience a state of flow, bridging the worlds of bits and people until there is no division between the created software and those it benefits. We become co-creators, using our skills to help bring into being solutions which empower.

Resonant

At the same time, beautiful software must resonate with the depth of human experience. As Buddhist wisdom teaches, true beauty arises through mindfulness, ethical conduct, and pacification of the ego. In beautiful software, we find the development team’s consciousness – their thoughtfulness in attending to folks’ needs, their restraint in avoiding the unneeded, their core values embodied in the system’s behaviours.

Inner Light

Moreover, beautiful software exhibits an inner light not of technical correctness, but of purpose – solving real human needs with clarity and compassion. Its beauty transcends being well-crafted to also being virtuous, ethical and generous in spirit. For its core purpose is selfless service to humanity.

Conclusion

So while we may appreciate the external trappings of high-quality software, true beauty runs deeper – into how well it elevates human potential and adapts seamlessly into the real needs of peoples’ lives. For therein lies the highest achievement, to create not just products, but solutions that illuminate, attend to, and empower the human condition.

There is often subtle unease or vulnerability when another person identifies and attends to your emotional or practical needs before you ask. Even as they are attending to you, why might you feel strangely rattled or intruded upon by having your underlying feelings anticipated and met in this way?

Expectations

Part of the strangeness seems to be linked to our expectations around emotional autonomy in relationships. It might be because we assume we must self-manage feelings, not burden others unprompted, and disguise any weakness. So when someone sees through our façades and reaches out with support, it can feel jarringly unfamiliar. There is awkwardness adjusting to a new way of relating where masking distress is no longer accepted or expected.

Self-Image

Additionally, admitting needs may endanger our own resourcefulness or positive self-image. To remain strong and unaffected is easier than acknowledging where we genuinely need empathy or assistance. Conceding our emotional gaps confronts us with difficult realities about ourselves. Having someone respond caringly can dredge up shame before that nurturing registers as comfort. It takes time to overcome our reflexive impulse to deny needs that contradict the identities we aspire to.

Psychological Safety

Beneath the discomfort may also lurk trust issues around vulnerability. Emotions expose our innermost selves. Letting someone in to perceive and attend to that sensitive dimension means lowering barriers and giving up some degree of control. Psychologically, it signals dependence on their benevolence versus total self-sufficiency. With support inevitably comes some loss of authority over how we might want to be perceived. Even caring assistance can seem invasive before safety takes root.

While emotional caretaking intends to heal and bond, the path to welcoming nurture over isolation is not always smooth or instant. The vulnerability of relinquishing façades, acknowledging needs, and opening up to help all disrupt our status quo. By naming these sources of weirdness, perhaps the tensions around receiving compassionate support become less of a bewildering hurdle. Gradually, we learn to receive grace and attend to one another’s emotions without threatening inner resolve or identity. The discomfort slowly fades as emotional interdependence replaces sole self-reliance.

Summary

In essence, the discomfort we may feel when someone attends to our emotional needs often stems from unfamiliarity with true interdependence, unwillingness to show vulnerability, and a cultural overemphasis on extreme self-reliance. We expect to conceal any weakness, deny needing support, and handle distress alone without imposing on others. So when another person perceptively senses unvoiced feelings and reaches out to care for our inner experiences, it can feel weirdly intrusive. Even compassionate emotional caretaking jars notions of autonomy and challenges our reflexes to hide perceived flaws or shortcomings behind façade of capability. Yet suppressing needs creates isolation, and makes it so much more likely our needs will go unmet. Perhaps by better understanding the common strangeness behind receiving others’ attention, we can grow into truer communities where attending to one another’s unspoken needs and hopes is simply what love requires.

What qualifies someone as an artist? The typical markers involve mastery of a craft like painting, dance, or sculpture that allows one to generate creative works others recognise as artistic. Yet the legendary psychologist Carl Rogers believed every person has the capacity for creative expression in some medium, no matter how seemingly mundane.

Unconditional Positive Regard

Rogers pioneered an approach centred on Unconditional Positive Regard – valuing all people for who they are, not what they achieve. He knew that to become their optimal selves, people need environments where they feel safe being authentic, not forced to present inauthentic facades. When given complete freedom to channel their distinctive experiences into something personally meaningful, Rogers believed everyone can make art of their lives.

Creative Channels

Rogers was right. Given his compassionate lens, we needn’t be Da Vinci or Mozart to have valid artistic impulses worthy of nurturing. Your medium of choice may not hang in the Tate or top music charts. But unconditionally regarding all personal self-expression as valid gives people permission to turn core passions, however unorthodox, into creative channels that feed the soul.

For example, an amateur chef turns the alchemy of food preparation into his artistry. A devoted parent marshals all her life experience into how she raises her children. An avid football fan pours creative energy into managing his fantasy team. Or a devoted friend channels insight from supporting others into becoming an impactful mentor.

Self-Actualised

When we direct our distinctive personalities and aptitudes into anything that lets us feel self-actualised, we make art of that domain however humble it may be. The key is choosing to take unconditional positive regard to mean that when we pursue our true passions with authenticity, we engage the same creative capacity that enables anyone to make art of their lives, regardless of external judgments or standards.

So today, reflect on what niche aligns with your authentic selfhood and gifts. How could you bring more artistry there by channelling your irreproducible experiences into something you find personally meaningful? For inhabiting fully who we are, not conformity, makes us artists of the domains that matter most to us. That is the craft every human longs to master at heart.

Further Reading

Robinson, K. (2009). The element: How finding your passion changes everything. New York, NY: Penguin.

Robinson, K., & Aronica, L. (2013). Finding your element: How to discover your talents and passions and transform your life. New York, NY: Penguin.

In a world that seems more divided and impersonal each day, it’s easy to lose sight of what it really means to care for one another. But what does it truly mean to care?

At its core, caring is about attending to the needs of others with compassion. Caring people make an effort to understand what others need to live joyful, fulfilling lives. They seek to support people emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Their acts of caring may be large or small – from listening patiently to a friend in need to volunteering at a homeless shelter. But in all cases, caring stems from a genuine concern for the welfare of fellow human beings.

In their book Compassionomics, economists Stephen Trzeciak and Anthony Mazzarelli provide copper-bottomed evidence that caring produces tangible benefits both for givers and receivers alike. Studies show that people who volunteer tend to be healthier and live longer. Compassion training in schools reduces violence and bullying. Caring healthcare professionals have patients with better outcomes. And people who feel cared for are more resilient in the face of trauma and stress. In study after study, caring proves critical for individual and collective wellbeing.

Of course, caring can be challenging. It requires generosity, sacrifice, and emotional intelligence. There are times we must care for people we find difficult. And earnest caring always involves some risk – the risk of rejection, disappointment or loss. But as Trzeciak and Mazzarelli explain, these risks pale next to the regrets of a life spent without meaningful caring connections.

In the end, caring is not about sympathy cards or grand gestures. It is about small acts of service and support, performed consistently and sincerely. Caring is embracing our shared humanity. It is a commitment to be present and helpful in the lives of others. And it is ultimately the bond that enables human flourishing even in hard times.

Is caring important to you? Does giving and receiving of compassion feature in your life? Perhaps if we can recover the simple art of caring for one another, some of the discord in our society will dissipate, leaving more space for the ties that truly matter.

What Makes Judgement Inherently Evil?

Judgement of individuals can be corrosive to both individual well-being and community cohesion. It’s not just the act but the underlying psychology that makes judgement inherently evil. When we judge, we inherently place ourselves in a position of moral or intellectual superiority. This not only alienates others but also fosters a culture of division, intolerance, and hierarchy.

How Does Judgement Affect Our Interactions?

At its core, judgement distorts the dynamics of any relationship. It can transform a civil discourse into a battleground of egos. People often hesitate to show their true selves, out of fear of judgement. This creates a breeding ground for dishonesty, suppression of feelings, and ultimately, emotional disconnect.

Is Judgement Truly Unavoidable?

Many argue that judgement is a natural part of human cognition. While it’s true that our brains are wired to make quick assessments for survival, this doesn’t justify the social and emotional cost of judging others. Even though it may seem like an inevitable part of human interaction, it’s crucial to question its necessity, impact and consequences.

What Are the Consequences?

The consequences of judgement extend far beyond demotivation and hurt feelings. At an organisational level, judgement can suppress creativity and innovation. When employees fear being judged, they are less likely to take risks or propose new ideas. This not only stifles personal growth but also impedes organisational progress.

The Whole Rotten Edifice of Hierarchical Business Is Founded on Judgement?

In the business world, especially in hierarchical organisations, judgement often serves as the bedrock. But what does that mean for the corporate culture and, ultimately, for innovation and growth?

Hierarchy in business is often perpetuated through judgement. Employees are evaluated, ranked, and placed into various roles based on assessments that are frequently subjective. This system not only enforces a rigid structure but also cultivates an environment where judgement is not just accepted but expected.

In such a setting, employees often find themselves confined to their designated roles and rankings. The fear of negative judgement discourages them from stepping out of their boxes to innovate or take risks. After all, a misstep could lead to harsh critique and, in extreme cases, job loss.

Moreover, this culture of judgement disrupts trust and open communication among team members. People become less inclined to share ideas or express concerns, creating an atmosphere where issues become undiscussable and are swept under the rug rather than addressed. This can lead to long-term problems that are much harder to solve.

The most concerning aspect is that judgement in hierarchical organisations often extends beyond performance to personal characteristics, appearances, or even lifestyle choices, exacerbating division and resentment among staff.

So, when we peel back the layers, we see that the hierarchical structure of business isn’t just facilitated by judgement but is fundamentally founded on it. The question then becomes, can a system built on such shaky and potentially damaging grounds truly be effective in the long run?

Can We Choose a Different Approach?

Choosing a non-judgemental approach doesn’t mean ignoring mistakes or accepting poor behaviour. It means adopting a stance of understanding and empathy. Rather than focusing on criticism, we can focus on constructive dialogue. This paves the way for more meaningful connections and lays the groundwork for a more compassionate organisation.

Concluding Thoughts: Are We Ready to Let Go?

The concept that judgement is inherently evil may be a hard pill to swallow for many. But if we acknowledge the potential harm it causes, both on a personal and societal level, we can begin to seek alternatives. The challenge lies in the conscious unlearning of judgemental habits and the cultivation of a more accepting and open perspective. Are we ready to let go? The answer to that question might very well shape the future of our interpersonal relationships, business organisations, and societal norms.

What’s Wrong with Directives?

We often think that conveying information directly is the most effective way to communicate. However, psychology tells us it’s not that straightforward. When we instruct someone, we unknowingly activate psychological mechanisms that can, in fact, make the message less impactful or even counterproductive.

Why Do People Resist?

Human beings have a strong psychological need for autonomy. When we’re told what to do, we may perceive their freedom as being threatened, leading to an automatic response of resistance. This phenomenon is known as psychological reactance. Instead of facilitating change or fostering understanding, the act of telling can often make us dig in our heels.

Does Age Matter?

Contrary to popular belief, reactance isn’t limited to rebellious teenagers. Adults are equally prone to resist when they feel that their autonomy is being compromised. In the workplace, for example, managers who rely solely on directives find their teams less engaged and less productive.

Can Telling Be Ineffective?

Not only can telling lead to resistance, but it can also be a flawed method for conveying complex ideas or nuanced perspectives. Simplifying intricate issues into directives often results in misunderstanding, as it strips the topic of its necessary context.

What Happens to Learning?

When someone is told what to do or think, they’re less likely to engage in deep cognitive processes necessary for true understanding. The lack of critical thought and internalisation means that any change is likely to be superficial and temporary.

What Are the Alternatives?

Clearly, the traditional methods of telling or instructing have their limitations. So, what approaches can we employ instead?

Is Active Engagement the Key?

Encouraging people to participate in discussions allows them to feel a sense of ownership over their decisions. Active engagement not only satisfies the need for autonomy but also fosters a deeper understanding of the issues at hand. Caution: How often have we been encouraged to participate in a discussion only to find it mere “engagement theatre”?

How About Empathy?

Understanding the emotional states and perspectives of others can facilitate more effective communication. Empathic approaches may include asking questions to explore someone’s needa and views or using reflective empathic listening to show that you understand their point of view.

A New Way Forward

Telling doesn’t work as effectively as we’d like because it often triggers psychological resistance and fails to convey necessary context. To communicate more effectively, consider using methods that promote active engagement and empathy. These alternative approaches respect the psychological needs of the individual and are likely to lead to more meaningful understanding and change.

Life can be a labyrinth of responsibilities, expectations, and emotions. Amidst the maze, it’s easy to lose sight of folks’ fundamental unattended-to needs. Or even that people have more wonderful lives when their needs receive attention – from e.g. friends, family, employers and coworkers.

Broaching these questions with a close friend could be your mutual ticket to helping each other have more wonderful and satisfying lives:

1. “What Are The Things – If Any – You’d Like to Have Happen (that aren’t happening yet)?”
   Discussing desires and aspirations that haven’t yet come to fruition can open up new possibilities for growth and satisfaction. It could even illuminate areas where friends, etc., can support each other to make life more wonderful.
2. “What Gives You the Sense That Something Is Missing?”
   This sensation of something being amiss is not uncommon. It’s like a jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece; you can see the overall picture, but in some way it’s incomplete.
3. “What Differences Do You Notice Between Your Current Life and Something Better?”
   Here’s an opportunity for reflection. There’s often a discrepancy between our lived experiences and our ideal lives. Acknowledging this disparity might help in closing the gap.
4. “What Needs Haven’t You Shared Out Loud?”
   We all have those unspoken wishes—perhaps because they seem too foolish or unreachable. Yet, acknowledging these can be the first step toward addressing unmet needs or goals.
5. “What Haven’t You Done Yet?”
   Procrastination, or even just life getting in the way, can keep us from pursuing things we’re passionate about. What’s on your list of ‘somedays’ that you might turn into ‘todays’?
6. “What Makes You Feel Understood or Misunderstood?”
   The emotional nourishment that comes from being understood is a fundamental human need. If it’s missing, that’s something worth exploring further.
7. “What Topics Find You Changing the Subject?”
   Sometimes avoidance is the best indicator of significance. Those undiscussable topics or issues you’re sidestepping? They could be precisely where attention is most needed.
8. “How Do You Feel When You Have to Say No?”
   The difficulty in setting boundaries is often symptomatic of deeper, unattended needs. If you find it challenging to say no, this might be an area worth investigating.
9. “Where in Your Life Do You Feel Like You’re on Autopilot?”
   Routine can offer comfort, but it can also veil unmet needs. If you find areas of your life running on autopilot, it could be a sign to probe deeper.
10. “What Emotions Do You Find Yourself Keeping in Check, or Burying?”
    Society often prescribes what emotions are acceptable, causing us to suppress those that aren’t. These suppressed emotions could point to neglected needs or aspects of oneself.

Discussing these questions may not offer quick fixes, but they can pave the way for deeper and more rewarding connections with others. Of course, this all hinges on genuine concern for the people you’re conversing with. Without empathy and compassion, these conversations are vacuous at best.

Always in Step with Wu Wei?

Before I even knew the term, my natural way of approaching work and life reflected the essence of Wu Wei—effortless action. It was as if I had been dancing to a rhythm only I could hear, and that rhythm was surprisingly aligned with this ancient Taoist principle. But then came the societal pressures and expectations about what success should look like, and I found myself aware of a different, more frenetic tune: the tune of striving.

The Rhythm of Striving: A Discordant Beat

Flirting with striving was like changing the music mid-dance. The beat was off, the tempo mismatched. Striving to meet expectations and reach ever-higher pinnacles of success seemed like it would be a chore. Each step forced, each move laboured. Over time, the dance of my career transformed into a gaol, where I performed, but the performance was crucifying me emotionally.

Rediscovering My Rhythm

The dissonance became too loud to ignore. The emotional fatigue, the sense of going against the grain, led me to reassess. I’ve rejected the siren song of striving and returned to embracing my original tune. That’s when I reconnected with Wu Wei, giving a name to the style I’d always inherently known.

How the Dance Changed

Once I embraced Wu Wei again, my dance changed. No longer was I trying to keep pace with an alien beat. I found my flow, that place where effort isn’t forced but naturally unfolds. The emotional toll decreased, and in its place came a sense of authentic engagement with all things.

What Does the Dance Look Like Now?

Today, the dance is improvisation, feeling the music and going where it takes me. Opportunities come, not from striving, but from being attuned to the natural flow of events. I still engage, I still act, but I do so in harmony with the world, and with my emotional core.

My dance with Wu Wei has become a central choreography. It brings with it a sense of peace, the emotional richness of being in step with my true self. And interestingly, I find that I have no urge to achieve, no draining emotional exertion. In letting go of forced effort, I’ve found my authentic rhythm, and it’s a dance I intend to continue.

Can NVC Elevate Workplace Relationships?

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) isn’t just a concept; it’s a practice. It consists of observing without judgment, expressing feelings, articulating needs, and making clear requests. In a work environment, these principles can go a long way to build mutual respect and understanding. They promote constructive criticism and foster an open dialogue.

What Does NVC Bring to Group Dynamics?

When it comes to group interactions, NVC shines in its ability to alleviate tension and solve conflict. By focusing on unmet needs instead of blame, NVC creates a constructive pathway to solutions. Teams can navigate disagreements and reach a mutual understanding. In this space, everybody’s needs get a chance to be heard, fostering collaboration and creativity.

Dissolves Tension Through Empathy

One of the most immediate effects of applying NVC in a group setting is the reduction of tension. Often, disagreements escalate because people feel misunderstood or attacked. NVC replaces these barriers with empathy. Team members learn to listen actively and validate each other’s feelings and needs, which in turn lowers emotional walls and facilitates productive dialogue.

Redirects the Focus to Unmet Needs

In traditional models of communication, a point of conflict often leads to a blame game. This not only stifles resolution but can also create animosity within the group. NVC shifts this focus from assigning blame to identifying unmet needs. When group members express what they require instead of blaming others, it encourages a problem-solving mindset. This can lead to more equitable outcomes that respect the needs of all involved.

Enables Mutual Understanding

NVC encourages people to express themselves clearly and concisely, focusing on what they observe, feel, need, and request. This clarity helps group members to better understand each other’s perspectives and constraints. Misunderstandings are resolved more quickly, as the communication becomes more transparent. As everyone gains a more nuanced understanding of each other’s needs and contributions, a deeper mutual respect develops.

Boosts Collaboration and Creativity

Once the groundwork of empathy and understanding is laid, teams find it easier to collaborate. Everyone becomes more invested in each other’s success, setting the stage for more cohesive teamwork. Moreover, as trust within the group increases, members are more willing to share creative ideas without the fear of ridicule or misunderstanding. NVC thus acts as a catalyst for innovation, allowing the collective intelligence of the group to flourish.

Creates an Inclusive Environment

In a group dynamic where NVC is practiced, every voice matters. The inherent respect for each individual’s needs and feelings fosters an inclusive atmosphere. Team members from diverse backgrounds, who may have different styles of communication or varying viewpoints, find it easier to integrate and contribute. This inclusivity not only enriches the group’s overall skill set but also enhances its problem-solving capabilities.

In summary, NVC in group dynamics works as a multifaceted tool. It dissolves tension, redirects focus from blame to needs, fosters mutual understanding, enhances collaboration and creativity, and encourages inclusivity. It’s not just a communication style but a comprehensive approach to improving how groups interact and function.

Do Relationships Outside Work Benefit from NVC?

NVC isn’t just for professional settings. Families, couples, and friends can find value in its principles. In intimate relationships, NVC helps in the articulation of emotional needs and ensures that both parties feel heard and understood. Open, honest communication is encouraged, deepening the emotional connection.

Enhances Emotional Expression

One of the most significant benefits of NVC in personal relationships is that it encourages the open expression of emotions. Traditional communication often falls short in this aspect, making it difficult for individuals to convey what they’re feeling. NVC provides the tools for a more nuanced expression of emotions, eliminating misunderstandings and allowing people to feel genuinely understood by their loved ones.

Fosters Authentic Conversations

Most relationships suffer from a lack of honest and open communication. People often conceal their true feelings to avoid conflict or because they fear judgment. NVC breaks down these barriers by fostering a non-judgmental space where individuals can express their authentic selves. This leads to more meaningful conversations that serve to deepen the relationship.

Resolves Conflicts Harmoniously

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. What sets healthy relationships apart from dysfunctional ones is the ability to resolve these conflicts in a mutually satisfying way. NVC shifts the conflict resolution focus from winning an argument to understanding and meeting the underlying needs of each party involved. The result is a more harmonious resolution that strengthens the relationship rather than erodes it.

Enhances Empathy and Mutual Respect

By focusing on empathetic listening and understanding, NVC cultivates a culture of mutual respect within relationships. Each person learns to appreciate the feelings and needs of the other, which encourages a supportive and nurturing environment. This mutual respect further solidifies the relationship and makes it more resilient in the face of challenges.

Strengthens Emotional Bonds

Last but not least, NVC significantly contributes to strengthening emotional bonds between individuals. When people feel heard and valued, their emotional attachment to each other deepens. Emotional intimacy is crucial for any long-lasting, fulfilling relationship, and NVC provides the framework to achieve this.

To summarise, the influence of NVC extends well beyond professional settings and offers significant advantages in personal relationships. By facilitating emotional expression, authentic conversations, harmonious conflict resolution, empathy, and stronger emotional bonds, NVC serves as a cornerstone for healthier, more fulfilling relationships outside the workplace.

Summary: Is NVC the Relationship Game-Changer?

In both workplace relationships and broader social circles, NVC stands out as an effective tool for building stronger, more open interactions. By focusing on empathy and understanding, it paves the way for improved communication and stronger bonds.

NVC has a far-reaching impact. From conference rooms to living rooms to bedrooms, its principles can transform how we relate to one another. It offers the promise of not just better conversations but also enriched relationships. So, why not give it a try?

Further Reading