“Deserving”, Entitlement, and Violence: A Fresh Take on Communication

Understanding Nonviolent Communication

At the heart of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), a method developed by Marshall Rosenberg, lies the principle of shared human connection. As we journey through life, this method can drastically shape how we interpret, understand, and respond to others, especially in heated or challenging situations. Rosenberg dedicated his career to understanding different factors that contribute to aggressive behaviours in our interactions, with a particular emphasis on the concepts of “deserving” and “entitlement”.

Deserving, Entitlement and Their Role in Society

“Deserving” is often used as a benchmark to determine who receives rewards and who gets punishments. Do what someone wants, and you’re seen as deserving of praise; stray from the path and you’re seen as deserving of punishment. Entitlement goes a step further, suggesting that one inherently deserves rewards, respect, or special treatment. It’s within this framework that the ideas of deserving and entitlement can give rise to violence.

The Scope of Violence

Violence, as defined by Rosenberg, isn’t restricted to just physical harm – it encompasses psychological and emotional harm too. This can include anything from passive-aggressive comments or dismissive attitudes, to more direct forms like bullying or physical aggression.

The Pitfalls of a Deserving or Entitled Lens

When we view others through a “deserving” or “entitled” lens, we judge them. This perspective can lead us towards a black-and-white mindset: right vs wrong, good vs bad, in vs out. This oversimplified view neglects to consider the complex motivations and needs that drive human behaviour.

For example, imagine a friend who regularly arrives late. An immediate reaction might be, “They deserve to be left out next time,” or, “They’re always late because they feel entitled to our patience.” This viewpoint not only labels and judges your friend, but could also incite conflict or violent communication. The focus is on punishment, rather than understanding the reasons behind their tardiness. (See also: The Fundamental Attribution Error).

The Power Dynamics of Deserving and Entitlement

The mentality of deserving and entitlement can create a power dynamic where some individuals are perceived as superior (those doling out rewards or punishments) and others as subservient (those on the receiving end). This dynamic fuel violence as it cultivates feelings of resentment, rebellion, and anger among those seen as ‘undeserving’ or ‘over-entitled’.

Shifting from Deserving to Needs

Rosenberg’s solution was to invite a shift in thinking – from thinking in terms of ‘deserving’ or ‘entitlement’ to thinking in terms of ‘needs’. Instead of deciding if someone deserves something or not, make an effort to understand the feelings and needs driving their actions. Recognising these needs nurtures empathy and helps to resolve conflicts.

Fostering Understanding and Compassion

Rosenberg advocated for replacing judgment with curiosity, to promote understanding and compassion. By doing so, we can encourage peaceful conflict resolution and cooperative communication, breaking away from the punitive and destructive cycles of reward and punishment.

Conclusion: Towards Healthier Interactions

In conclusion, letting go of the notions of ‘deserving’ and ‘entitlement’ can significantly transform how we approach communication and conflict. Judgment is replaced with understanding, punishment with empathy, and violence with peace. This shift allows us to see each other not in terms of what we and others ‘deserve’ or ‘feel entitled to’, but by what we ‘need’. This, in turn, paves the way for healthier, more compassionate interactions.And world peace.