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The Metaclueless Developers: Inheriting Teams Unaware of Their Own Shortcomings

March 15, 2024
Article, Product development, Relationships, Software development, Teambuilding, Toxic behaviours
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The Metaclueless Developers: Inheriting Teams Unaware of Their Own Shortcomings

The Back Story

One time, as VP of Engineering, I inherited a motley team of metaclueless developers and testers.

The Flawed Assumptions

From day one with this new team, it became clear my assumptions were way off base. My attempts to understand the existing codebase, dependencies, coding and deployment processes were met with confusing non-explanations from the senior developers. Proposals for changes, reviews, or other improvements were immediately dismissed with a passive-aggresive demeanour as unnecessary red tape. There seemed to be this ingrained belief that “we’ve been doing just fine” simply because they hadn’t suffered many major outages yet.

Peeling Back the Layers

But as I started really digging in, the reality was more problematic than I initially realised. The codebase was a disorganised tangle of inconsistent patterns and anti-patterns. Automated testing and deployement was sporadic at best. The deployment process involved brittle, undocumented scripts that only a few developers halfway understood. Institutional knowledge was scattered among individual brain silos.

The Destructive Hubris

Rather than a receptive discussion when invited to discussion on making things better, I faced a brick wall of defensiveness and hubris. The team was convinced they knew best – such that any invitations went unadopted. Every mention of improvement was met with circular justifications about “how we’ve been doing it for years” or “we haven’t had any serious issues yet”.

The Path Forward

Looking back now, I see that the situation revealed some universal truths about software:

First, we all get blindspots and make flawed assumptions over time – no matter how experienced we think we are. Maintaining a beginner’s mindset of continual learning helps.

Second, defensiveness and “ingrained way” thinking are toxic team pathologies that noone can solve alone. An environment of open dialogue and reasoned self-critique must be continually fostered.

And finally, the most dangerous hubris of all is assuming you already have all the answers rather than a humble openness to involving everyone in uncovering the real issues at hand, and ways forward.

Taking Responsibility for Our Emotions

March 14, 2024
Actionable Insights, Article, Psychology, Psychotherapy, Relationships
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Taking Responsibility for Our Emotions

The Harsh Truth

One of the most transformative realisations I’ve had from years of studying many schools of therapy is that our emotional responses are solely our own responsibility. No matter what someone else says or does, we alone are responsible for how we internalise their words or deeds, and react, emotionally.

This is a difficult pill to swallow, as we’re conditioned from a young age to blame others for “making” us feel certain ways*. If a co-worker is rude or our boss lays into us, it’s easy to mentally check out and go numb – as a self-defense mechanism – feeling angry at them for causing us distress. But the reality is, no one can make us feel any particular way without our permission.

The Source of Our Emotions

Our emotional responses are fuelled by our thought patterns, beliefs, prior experiences, and state of mind in that moment. Someone’s unskillful behaviour can act as a trigger, but we alone control whether we react with anxiety, defensiveness, anger, or remain grounded. This is where the work comes in.

So few people realise this responsibility is theirs, let alone take it to heart. It’s much easier to play the victim and blame others. But true emotional maturity comes from internalising that our emotions originate from within us, not from other people..

Empowerment at Work

In a workplace context, this philosophy is incredibly empowering. If we have a chronically negative or harsh manager or colleague, we get to decide whether their behaviour sends us into an emotional tailspin or if we react with non-judgement and detachment. Not getting hung up on the emotions of the moment allows us to respond skilfully in misunderstandings and avoid escalations.

A co-worker’s words and actions are about them, not about us. Our colleagues’ unconscious behaviours don’t have to dictate our experience. We get to consciously choose our mindset and emotional state in any situation.

The Greatest Gift

This paradigm shift takes practice, but it’s one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. No longer feeling like helpless victims to others’ emotional outputs. Owning our emotional adulthood and self-accountability. True inner freedom.

It’s available to anyone, but so few people live it. We can choose to do the work to take radical responsibility for our emotions, no matter what others do. We’ll be rewarded with choice and peace in the face of conflict, instead of being unconscious reactors.

*One root of the Myth of Redemptive Violence

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That Weird Feeling When Someone Attends to Your Needs

February 29, 2024
Antimatter principle, Article, Attendants, Community, Compassion, Culture change, Empathy, Needs, Organisational Therapy, Psychology, Relationships
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That Weird Feeling When Someone Attends to Your Needs

There is often subtle unease or vulnerability when another person identifies and attends to your emotional or practical needs before you ask. Even as they are attending to you, why might you feel strangely rattled or intruded upon by having your underlying feelings anticipated and met in this way?

Expectations

Part of the strangeness seems to be linked to our expectations around emotional autonomy in relationships. It might be because we assume we must self-manage feelings, not burden others unprompted, and disguise any weakness. So when someone sees through our façades and reaches out with support, it can feel jarringly unfamiliar. There is awkwardness adjusting to a new way of relating where masking distress is no longer accepted or expected.

Self-Image

Additionally, admitting needs may endanger our own resourcefulness or positive self-image. To remain strong and unaffected is easier than acknowledging where we genuinely need empathy or assistance. Conceding our emotional gaps confronts us with difficult realities about ourselves. Having someone respond caringly can dredge up shame before that nurturing registers as comfort. It takes time to overcome our reflexive impulse to deny needs that contradict the identities we aspire to.

Psychological Safety

Beneath the discomfort may also lurk trust issues around vulnerability. Emotions expose our innermost selves. Letting someone in to perceive and attend to that sensitive dimension means lowering barriers and giving up some degree of control. Psychologically, it signals dependence on their benevolence versus total self-sufficiency. With support inevitably comes some loss of authority over how we might want to be perceived. Even caring assistance can seem invasive before safety takes root.

While emotional caretaking intends to heal and bond, the path to welcoming nurture over isolation is not always smooth or instant. The vulnerability of relinquishing façades, acknowledging needs, and opening up to help all disrupt our status quo. By naming these sources of weirdness, perhaps the tensions around receiving compassionate support become less of a bewildering hurdle. Gradually, we learn to receive grace and attend to one another’s emotions without threatening inner resolve or identity. The discomfort slowly fades as emotional interdependence replaces sole self-reliance.

Summary

In essence, the discomfort we may feel when someone attends to our emotional needs often stems from unfamiliarity with true interdependence, unwillingness to show vulnerability, and a cultural overemphasis on extreme self-reliance. We expect to conceal any weakness, deny needing support, and handle distress alone without imposing on others. So when another person perceptively senses unvoiced feelings and reaches out to care for our inner experiences, it can feel weirdly intrusive. Even compassionate emotional caretaking jars notions of autonomy and challenges our reflexes to hide perceived flaws or shortcomings behind façade of capability. Yet suppressing needs creates isolation, and makes it so much more likely our needs will go unmet. Perhaps by better understanding the common strangeness behind receiving others’ attention, we can grow into truer communities where attending to one another’s unspoken needs and hopes is simply what love requires.

The Gobshite’s Guide

October 14, 2023
Article, Relationships
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The Gobshite’s Guide

What’s the Gobshite Formula?

The term “gobshite” is a colloquial expression commonly used in the UK and Ireland to describe someone who’s annoying, foolish, or talks nonsense. If you’re keen on adopting this rather ignoble moniker, here are some surefire ways to excel.

Spouting Nonsense: A Skill?

To be a true gobshite, you must master the art of talking without saying anything meaningful. This doesn’t mean that you have to lie outright. Misleading information, twisted truths, intrusive criticisms, and unnecessary drama are your tools here.

Does Rudeness Define You?

Why hold the door open for someone when you can let it slam in their face? Politeness and kindness are for the birds. True gobshites don’t waste time on such frivolities. Instead, they lean into rudeness with relish, treating it as a sort of currency, whilst asserting that it’s not rudeness, but helpful directness.

Ignorance or Bliss?

Another critical ingredient in your gobshite repertoire is a good dose of ignorance. Whether it’s about politics, social issues, technology, or even basic facts, a proper gobshite revels in their lack of knowledge and makes no effort to educate themselves.

Place Material Things Like Money Way Ahead of Relationships?

Why invest in people when you can focus on accumulating wealth and material possessions? A committed gobshite puts things like money way above relationships. Avariciously controlling costs is always hugely more important than kindness, humanity and connection.

How to Dismantle Relationships?

Friendships, familial ties, romantic connections—consider them all collateral damage on your journey to becoming a gobshite. Employ methods that ruin any chances of meaningful interaction. It’s not just about how you act, but also how you interact. Gobshites are adept at alienating friends, family, and even strangers. Whether it’s by offering backhanded compliments, making offensive jokes, disrespecting, or just being a general nuisance, you’ll find methods to push people away.

Not Only Ignore Folks’ Needs, But Be Cantankerously Oblivious to Them?

Taking the gobshite role to another level requires more than mere ignorance or indifference. You must be blatantly and cantankerously oblivious to the needs of others. Whether it’s by dismissing their feelings, ignoring their requests, or even working to undermine their needs, there are many methods to ensure that you not only neglect their needs but actively make their lives more miserable. This is where being a gobshite shifts from passive to active territory, adding a layer of malice that’s hard to ignore.

By adopting this approach, you’ll solidify your gobshite status while ensuring that those around you feel frustrated, unheard, and devalued. If this is the path you’ve chosen, you’re well on your way to becoming the ultimate gobshite

Loneliness: The Final Destination?

Eventually, your efforts will pay off in the form of alienation. Most people will want nothing to do with you. Congratulations, you’ve achieved your goal! But is it worth it?

Reflect or Not?

Being a gobshite isn’t something that most people aspire to. And yet, you’d be surprised how many find themselves slipping into this role inadvertently. It’s not so much a destination as it is a series of choices. If you find yourself veering into gobshite territory, you always have the option to change course.

In short, if you want to be a miserable gobshite, there are plenty of ways to do it. But you might find that it’s a lonely, unfulfilling path to tread. It’s your choice.

How Will AI Shape Office Dynamics?

October 9, 2023
AI, Antimatter principle, Article, Business, Careers, Culture change, Fellowship, Relationships
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How Will AI Shape Office Dynamics?

What’s Truly Happening in Our Offices?

Many workplaces are entangled in a web of complexities, often driven by politics, power dynamics, and individual ambitions rather than motherhood-and-applie-pie ideals like trust or shared goals. Given this landscape, AI doesn’t just enter as a neutral tool; it has the capacity to significantly influence these existing dynamics.

Is AI a Participant or a Bystander?

As AI infiltrates more and more aspects of work, its role is anything but passive. Transparency in how AI is implemented and utilised matters. A transparent approach helps to build trust by making it clear how AI influences decisions, from hiring to performance evaluations. This can prevent the perception of AI as an omnipresent ‘big brother’.

Can AI Ameliorate Workplace Bias?

AI systems have the power to either reinforce or alleviate existing biases, depending on how they’re applied and what data they’re fed. To avoid perpetuating stereotypes or inequalities, regular audits of these systems can help identify any skewed algorithms or biased data sets. Implementing corrective measures ensures fairer outcomes.

How Do We Strike the Balance in Communication?

AI tools can risk making interactions among team members more transactional and less personal. A balanced approach might involve utilising AI for mundane tasks like scheduling or data sorting, while preserving human interactions for tasks requiring emotional intelligence and nuanced discussion. This dual approach aims to enhance productivity without sacrificing the quality of interpersonal relationships.

Where Are the Ethical Boundaries?

AI raises fresh ethical questions around data privacy and employee surveillance. These aren’t just technical issues but deeply human concerns that can affect trust and morale. Establishing a clear ethical framework for AI usage can go a long way in reassuring employees that their data won’t be misused and that AI tools are in place to assist rather than monitor them.

Will AI Reshape Office Hierarchies?

As AI gains the capability for data-driven assessments, the entire concept of hierarchical structure in workplaces could face a radical change. If we move away from promotions and role assignments and instead focus on team dynamics and systems contributions as captured by AI analytics, a more egalitarian environment could emerge. This shift disrupts established power dynamics and allows for a culture based on collective contributions rather than individual titles.

What’s the Inescapable Impact?

The influence of AI on the existing dynamics of the workplace is inevitable and multifaceted. It’s not just about technological changes but shifts in culture, ethics, and interpersonal relations. By consciously addressing these aspects, an organisation can guide the impact of AI towards creating a more transparent, equitable, and effective workplace that truly begging to address the needs of all the Folks That Matter™.

Talking About Needs?

October 4, 2023
Antimatter principle, Article, Caring, Compassion, Empathy, Fellowship, Psychology, Relationships
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Talking About Needs?

Life can be a labyrinth of responsibilities, expectations, and emotions. Amidst the maze, it’s easy to lose sight of folks’ fundamental unattended-to needs. Or even that people have more wonderful lives when their needs receive attention – from e.g. friends, family, employers and coworkers.

Broaching these questions with a close friend could be your mutual ticket to helping each other have more wonderful and satisfying lives:

  1. “What Are The Things – If Any – You’d Like to Have Happen (that aren’t happening yet)?”
    Discussing desires and aspirations that haven’t yet come to fruition can open up new possibilities for growth and satisfaction. It could even illuminate areas where friends, etc., can support each other to make life more wonderful.
  2. “What Gives You the Sense That Something Is Missing?”
    This sensation of something being amiss is not uncommon. It’s like a jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece; you can see the overall picture, but in some way it’s incomplete.
  3. “What Differences Do You Notice Between Your Current Life and Something Better?”
    Here’s an opportunity for reflection. There’s often a discrepancy between our lived experiences and our ideal lives. Acknowledging this disparity might help in closing the gap.
  4. “What Needs Haven’t You Shared Out Loud?”
    We all have those unspoken wishes—perhaps because they seem too foolish or unreachable. Yet, acknowledging these can be the first step toward addressing unmet needs or goals.
  5. “What Haven’t You Done Yet?”
    Procrastination, or even just life getting in the way, can keep us from pursuing things we’re passionate about. What’s on your list of ‘somedays’ that you might turn into ‘todays’?
  6. “What Makes You Feel Understood or Misunderstood?”
    The emotional nourishment that comes from being understood is a fundamental human need. If it’s missing, that’s something worth exploring further.
  7. “What Topics Find You Changing the Subject?”
    Sometimes avoidance is the best indicator of significance. Those undiscussable topics or issues you’re sidestepping? They could be precisely where attention is most needed.
  8. “How Do You Feel When You Have to Say No?”
    The difficulty in setting boundaries is often symptomatic of deeper, unattended needs. If you find it challenging to say no, this might be an area worth investigating.
  9. “Where in Your Life Do You Feel Like You’re on Autopilot?”
    Routine can offer comfort, but it can also veil unmet needs. If you find areas of your life running on autopilot, it could be a sign to probe deeper.
  10. “What Emotions Do You Find Yourself Keeping in Check, or Burying?”
    Society often prescribes what emotions are acceptable, causing us to suppress those that aren’t. These suppressed emotions could point to neglected needs or aspects of oneself.

Discussing these questions may not offer quick fixes, but they can pave the way for deeper and more rewarding connections with others. Of course, this all hinges on genuine concern for the people you’re conversing with. Without empathy and compassion, these conversations are vacuous at best.

The Tough Reality of Making Lives More Wonderful

September 17, 2023
Advice sought, Antimatter principle, Article, Caring, Compassion, Nonviolent Communication, Psychology, Relationships, Therapy, Wonder
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The Tough Reality of Making Lives More Wonderful

Why is Helping People So Hard?

I’ve dedicated three decades to pursuing a vocation of helping people. Although the need for help is often evident, the willingness to accept it is far less common. This dissonance creates a nuanced and sometimes difficult environment in which to operate. The challenge lies not only in the provision of help but also in the varying levels of receptivity I encounter.

Why Don’t People Want Help?

On the surface, the equation should be simple: as a general rule, people have needs, and I support them in finding their own solutions. However, in my years of experience, I’ve found that most individuals aren’t actually seeking help, even when they could benefit from it. There’s a persistent gap between the need for assistance and the willingness to engage with it. This chasm often converts what should be a straightforward transaction into an intricate dance, requiring careful and compassionate relationship building.

What Keeps Them From Asking For Help?

The reluctance to seek help is a convoluted issue involving various emotional and psychological elements. Among these are:

  • Caution: A fundamental wariness often deters people from exposing their vulnerabilities. Opening up to someone else—especially a relative stranger—requires a leap of faith that many find daunting.
  • Pride: The ego can be a significant obstacle. Admitting the need for help can feel like admitting defeat or incompetence, and pride can get in the way of taking that step.
  • Shame: Some people feel that asking for help highlights their inadequacies and failures, making them less worthy in their eyes or the eyes of others.
  • Guilt: There’s often a sense that one should be able to manage on one’s own and that needing help is a sign of weakness or failure. This guilt can suppress the act of reaching out.
  • Fear: The fear of being judged or stigmatised for needing help can be paralysing. It can deter people from seeking assistance even when they genuinely require it.

Additionally, societal norms, which frequently penalise vulnerability and appearing “needy”, serve as another layer of hindrance. This creates an environment where needs go unexpressed, which, in turn, increases the complexity of helping. Helping then requires detective work, identifying hidden needs, and diplomace, navigating sensitive emotional terrains.

Why Can’t People Accept Help?

Even when the stars align and an offer of help coincides with a recognised need, the final hurdle of acceptance remains. The act of accepting help exposes vulnerabilities and can trigger fears of indebtedness or losing autonomy. As such, this step often presents its own unique set of challenges. It necessitates a nuanced understanding of individual psychologies and social dynamics, to ensure that well-intended aid is not just offered but also accepted. Those in the medical professions have long understood the gulf between capability and getting patients to follow treatment regimens (Adherence).

Even when a need is acknowledged and help is readily available, accepting that help is another obstacle entirely. The complexities associated with this final step are multilayered:

  • Exposure of Vulnerability: Accepting help usually necessitates revealing weaknesses or inadequacies, which many find deeply uncomfortable.
  • Fear of Indebtedness: Accepting someone’s assistance often comes with the implicit or explicit expectation of reciprocity, which can create pressure and stress.
  • Loss of Autonomy: Some fear that accepting help means ceding control, undermining their sense of independence or self-sufficiency.
  • Negative past experiences: Many people may have experienced being “helped” in the past, with associated negative experiences.

It’s worth noting that this struggle with acceptance is also common in fields like medicine. There, practitioners have long grappled with the difference between having the ability to treat a condition and getting patients to adhere to the necessary protocols.

Therefore, to ensure that help is both offered and accepted, a deep understanding of individual and group psychology and broader social dynamics is essential. It involves a balanced, nuanced approach that considers both the rational and emotional dimensions of human behaviour.

How Can We Adapt to These Challenges?

Over the years, I’ve realised that adaptability is key. Each person is a unique confluence of needs, fears, and social conditioning, requiring an equally unique approach. Employing a blend of empathy, patience, and non-judgment allows us to better navigate the various obstacles that arise in the helping process. This tailored approach aims to dismantle some of the barriers people erect, making it easier for them to both access and accept the help they need.

To sum up, helping people is far from easy, but the complexities make it all the more important. And the outcomes make it so worthwhile. The disconnect between needing and accepting help isn’t a shortcoming but rather a complex interplay of human factors that we must skillfully navigate. The challenges are significant but so too are the rewards for everyone involved.

Summary

Recently, I’ve found it useful to refine my focus within the broad panorama of “helping people.” After decades of navigating the complexities of human needs and resistance, I’ve refocussed my attention on “making lives more wonderful.” This compelling phrase, originally coined by Marshall Rosenberg in the context of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), succinctly conveys a more targeted, positive approach. It not only gels with my longstanding vocation but also addresses the crux of what most people truly desire, even if they can’t articulate it. By focusing on making lives more wonderful, I’m better prepared to handle the challenges that come with helping people. That makes my life more wonderful, too. And I could really use your help in that. 🙂

The Nonviolent Communication Advantage in Relationships

September 10, 2023
Antimatter principle, Article, Community, Conversations, Empathy, Nonviolence, Nonviolent Communication, Relationships, Trust
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The Nonviolent Communication Advantage in Relationships

Can NVC Elevate Workplace Relationships?

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) isn’t just a concept; it’s a practice. It consists of observing without judgment, expressing feelings, articulating needs, and making clear requests. In a work environment, these principles can go a long way to build mutual respect and understanding. They promote constructive criticism and foster an open dialogue.

What Does NVC Bring to Group Dynamics?

When it comes to group interactions, NVC shines in its ability to alleviate tension and solve conflict. By focusing on unmet needs instead of blame, NVC creates a constructive pathway to solutions. Teams can navigate disagreements and reach a mutual understanding. In this space, everybody’s needs get a chance to be heard, fostering collaboration and creativity.

Dissolves Tension Through Empathy

One of the most immediate effects of applying NVC in a group setting is the reduction of tension. Often, disagreements escalate because people feel misunderstood or attacked. NVC replaces these barriers with empathy. Team members learn to listen actively and validate each other’s feelings and needs, which in turn lowers emotional walls and facilitates productive dialogue.

Redirects the Focus to Unmet Needs

In traditional models of communication, a point of conflict often leads to a blame game. This not only stifles resolution but can also create animosity within the group. NVC shifts this focus from assigning blame to identifying unmet needs. When group members express what they require instead of blaming others, it encourages a problem-solving mindset. This can lead to more equitable outcomes that respect the needs of all involved.

Enables Mutual Understanding

NVC encourages people to express themselves clearly and concisely, focusing on what they observe, feel, need, and request. This clarity helps group members to better understand each other’s perspectives and constraints. Misunderstandings are resolved more quickly, as the communication becomes more transparent. As everyone gains a more nuanced understanding of each other’s needs and contributions, a deeper mutual respect develops.

Boosts Collaboration and Creativity

Once the groundwork of empathy and understanding is laid, teams find it easier to collaborate. Everyone becomes more invested in each other’s success, setting the stage for more cohesive teamwork. Moreover, as trust within the group increases, members are more willing to share creative ideas without the fear of ridicule or misunderstanding. NVC thus acts as a catalyst for innovation, allowing the collective intelligence of the group to flourish.

Creates an Inclusive Environment

In a group dynamic where NVC is practiced, every voice matters. The inherent respect for each individual’s needs and feelings fosters an inclusive atmosphere. Team members from diverse backgrounds, who may have different styles of communication or varying viewpoints, find it easier to integrate and contribute. This inclusivity not only enriches the group’s overall skill set but also enhances its problem-solving capabilities.

In summary, NVC in group dynamics works as a multifaceted tool. It dissolves tension, redirects focus from blame to needs, fosters mutual understanding, enhances collaboration and creativity, and encourages inclusivity. It’s not just a communication style but a comprehensive approach to improving how groups interact and function.

Do Relationships Outside Work Benefit from NVC?

NVC isn’t just for professional settings. Families, couples, and friends can find value in its principles. In intimate relationships, NVC helps in the articulation of emotional needs and ensures that both parties feel heard and understood. Open, honest communication is encouraged, deepening the emotional connection.

Enhances Emotional Expression

One of the most significant benefits of NVC in personal relationships is that it encourages the open expression of emotions. Traditional communication often falls short in this aspect, making it difficult for individuals to convey what they’re feeling. NVC provides the tools for a more nuanced expression of emotions, eliminating misunderstandings and allowing people to feel genuinely understood by their loved ones.

Fosters Authentic Conversations

Most relationships suffer from a lack of honest and open communication. People often conceal their true feelings to avoid conflict or because they fear judgment. NVC breaks down these barriers by fostering a non-judgmental space where individuals can express their authentic selves. This leads to more meaningful conversations that serve to deepen the relationship.

Resolves Conflicts Harmoniously

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. What sets healthy relationships apart from dysfunctional ones is the ability to resolve these conflicts in a mutually satisfying way. NVC shifts the conflict resolution focus from winning an argument to understanding and meeting the underlying needs of each party involved. The result is a more harmonious resolution that strengthens the relationship rather than erodes it.

Enhances Empathy and Mutual Respect

By focusing on empathetic listening and understanding, NVC cultivates a culture of mutual respect within relationships. Each person learns to appreciate the feelings and needs of the other, which encourages a supportive and nurturing environment. This mutual respect further solidifies the relationship and makes it more resilient in the face of challenges.

Strengthens Emotional Bonds

Last but not least, NVC significantly contributes to strengthening emotional bonds between individuals. When people feel heard and valued, their emotional attachment to each other deepens. Emotional intimacy is crucial for any long-lasting, fulfilling relationship, and NVC provides the framework to achieve this.

To summarise, the influence of NVC extends well beyond professional settings and offers significant advantages in personal relationships. By facilitating emotional expression, authentic conversations, harmonious conflict resolution, empathy, and stronger emotional bonds, NVC serves as a cornerstone for healthier, more fulfilling relationships outside the workplace.

Summary: Is NVC the Relationship Game-Changer?

In both workplace relationships and broader social circles, NVC stands out as an effective tool for building stronger, more open interactions. By focusing on empathy and understanding, it paves the way for improved communication and stronger bonds.

NVC has a far-reaching impact. From conference rooms to living rooms to bedrooms, its principles can transform how we relate to one another. It offers the promise of not just better conversations but also enriched relationships. So, why not give it a try?

Further Reading

Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Puddledancer Press.
Rosenberg, M. B. (2005). Speak Peace in a World of Conflict. Puddledancer Press.
Rosenberg, M. B. (2005). The Surprising Purpose of Anger: Beyond Anger Management: Finding the Gift. Puddledancer Press.
Rosenberg, M. B., & Chopra, D. (2006). Words That Work in Business. Puddledancer Press.

Positive Relationships and Collaborative Knowledge Work

September 6, 2023
Antimatter principle, Article, Caring, Collaboration, Compassion, Fellowship, Management, Organisational effectiveness, Product development, Relationships, Software development
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Positive Relationships and Collaborative Knowledge Work

Why Relationships Matter in Collaborative Settings

In sectors such as software development, and management, where collaborative knowledge work is the norm, the quality of relationships isn’t just a social nicety—it’s a business imperative. Positive interpersonal connections amplify collective intelligence, increase productivity, and enhance the overall quality of work. In contrast, strained relationships lead to communication breakdowns, reduced morale, and compromised results. Hence, any team that aims for excellence might choose to focus, at least in part, on fostering positive relationships.

The Heart of the Matter: Caring Deeply

Before diving into the nuts and bolts of relationship building, it’s important to highlight a fundamental principle: genuine care for those with whom you’re working. In the context of collaborative knowledge work like software development, or management, compassion might not be the first thing that comes to mind. However, a deep sense of care and understanding for your fellows is what turns a group of individuals into a cohesive unit. Compassion fosters a supportive environment where people feel valued, not just for their technical skills but for who they are as individuals. This, in turn, leads to a sense of shared purpose and mutual respect, driving the team to higher levels of achievement.

For those sceptical about the role of compassion in a professional setting, the book “Compassionomics” provides compelling evidence. It delves into the science behind compassion and demonstrates how this emotional intelligence skill significantly impacts relationship building and, ultimately, success.

Having set the stage with the importance of deep care and compassion, let’s delve into the specific strategies to build and maintain positive relationships in collaborative settings.

Master the Art of Listening

Listening is more than just a passive act; it’s an active skill. This is especially crucial in collaborative knowledge work where understanding each other is key to solving complex challenges. Effective listening reveals not only what team members are saying but also what they’re thinking or possibly avoiding saying. Technical teams and management teams may choose to regard this deeper level of communication as critical for addressing challenges and finding solutions collaboratively.

Cultivate Self-Awareness

In a team setting, knowing oneself is as vital as knowing one’s craft. Being aware of one’s own strengths, weaknesses, and emotional responses can help navigate team dynamics more effectively. This level of insight allows one to contribute where most effective, and defer when deferral plays to someone else’s strengths.

Uphold Respect as a Core Value

In any collaborative effort, people bring a diverse set of skills and perspectives to the table. The concept of respect goes beyond mere tolerance of this diversity; it involves valuing and leveraging these different skills and viewpoints to enrich the project. In software development, where cross-functional teams often collaborate, respecting different disciplines—be it engineering, UX design, or quality assurance—is vital for project success.

Make Room for Personal Space

Even in high-stakes environments, it’s crucial to understand that everyone needs space to operate effectively. Overcrowding can lead to burnout, reduced productivity, and deteriorated relationship quality. Allowing for ‘breathing room’ can also offer team members the chance for independent thought, which they can later bring back to enrich the collective effort.

Be Consistent in Communication

Effective communication is a key element of successful relationship building. In a fast-paced, deadline-driven setting, regular check-ins can be the lifeline that keeps projects on track. This doesn’t just mean status updates, but also sharing feedback, insights, and even acknowledging small wins. It keeps everyone aligned on goals and expectations, reducing the room for misunderstandings or conflict.

Embrace Adaptability

The nature of collaborative knowledge work, particularly in tech, is dynamic. Flexibility and willingness to adapt are not just desirable traits but beneficial practices for maintaining positive relationships amidst change.

Summary

In collaborative knowledge work, the importance of maintaining positive relationships is amplified due to its direct impact on productivity and outcomes. By incorporating principles like effective listening, self-awareness, respect, personal space, consistent communication, and adaptability, you can lay down a robust foundation for a successful collaborative environment.

Further Reading

Trzeciak, S., & Mazzarelli, A. (2019). Compassionomics: The Revolutionary Scientific Evidence that Caring Makes a Difference. Studer Group.

How Organisational Psychotherapy Improves Inter-Organisational Relationships

September 4, 2023
Article, Memeology, Organisational Therapy, Quintessence, Relationships
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How Organisational Psychotherapy Improves Inter-Organisational Relationships

The Intricacies of Business: More than Meets the Eye

Business is a complex tapestry woven with transactions, contracts, and yes, human relationships. Every thread, whether internal or external, plays its part in shaping the fabric of an organisation. One method of fine-tuning this tapestry is organisational psychotherapy, which often has a profound impact beyond the organisation’s walls, affecting its relationships with key external stakeholders—such as customers, suppliers, institutional investors, and regulators.

An Aside: The Keiretsu Connection

Before diving in, it’s worth noting the influence of Keiretsu—a Japanese network of businesses with interlinked relationships and shareholdings. While not the main focus of this discussion, understanding the ripple effect of organisational psychotherapy within such a network can add another layer to its wide-reaching impact. More on that later.

The Customer Quotient: Beyond Transactional Relationships

Customer service isn’t merely a function of good manners or efficient systems; it’s often an outcome of healthy organisational dynamics. Organisational psychotherapy helps to create a more engaged, happier workforce. This naturally trickles down to customer interactions, where service becomes less about protocol and more about authentic engagement.

A Fresh Approach to Suppliers: Beyond Price Points

Traditional relationships with suppliers often revolve around price negotiations and contractual obligations. However, when a company undergoes organisational psychotherapy, the focus expands to include softer aspects like trust and collaborative problem-solving. This results in a more resilient and effective supply chain, less prone to breakdowns and conflicts.

Winning over Institutional Investors: Not Just Numbers

For institutional investors, the appeal of a company often extends beyond profit and loss statements. Effective internal communication, robust governance, and workforce stability are subtle yet significant indicators of long-term success. Organisational psychotherapy can help refine these attributes, making the organisation more attractive to seasoned investors.

Navigating Regulatory Relations: Beyond the Checklist

Dealing with regulators need not be a grim face-off between rule-makers and rule-followers. Organisations that have undergone psychotherapy are often better at communicating not just internally, but externally as well. This can lead to more transparent and constructive dialogues with regulatory bodies, perhaps even influencing the regulatory landscape positively over time.

Revisiting Keiretsu

As promised, let’s briefly loop back to the Keiretsu model. In such interlinked business networks, the positive internal changes from organisational psychotherapy can quickly multiply, influencing not just one organisation but several interconnected ones. The healthier each organisation, the more robust the network becomes. So while the main focus here is on individual organisations, one can’t ignore the potential for wider impact in models like Keiretsu.

Concluding Thoughts: Wider Ripples

The transformation brought about by organisational psychotherapy isn’t confined within the four walls of an office building. It radiates outward, touching various aspects of business relationships, from customers and suppliers to investors and regulators. And, as our Keiretsu aside illustrates, in certain business models, this ripple effect can even have wider systemic impacts. So, in the ever-connected world of business, looking inward might just be the first step in understanding the grander scheme of things.

Improving Without Measuring

September 3, 2023
Antimatter principle, Article, Culture change, Deming, Improvement, Productivity, Relationships, Software Delivery, Software development, Systems thinking
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Improving Without Measuring

The Mirage of Measuring Productivity

Most organisations regard metrics as the Holy Grail of productivity. But what if we’re wasting our time, trapped in a Sisyphean cycle of measuring, adapting, and then measuring again, without achieving improvement? Metrics often mislead us. The more relevant question is: How do we truly make a difference?

The Complexity of Social Systems in Software Development

To get to the heart of the issue, we have to confront the chaos that comes with human beings working together. People aren’t variables in an equation; they’re living, breathing agents of unpredictability. In such an environment, even if we find a metric that looks promising, the inherent complexity could render it meaningless.

Deming’s Caveat: “The Most Important Figures are Unknown or Unknowable”

Before we take another step down the rabbit hole of productivity metrics, let’s pause to reflect on a pertinent insight from W. Edwards Deming, the father of modern quality management. He stated,

The most important figures that one needs for management are unknown or unknowable.

If one of the most influential minds in quality management and productivity warns us against an over-reliance on metrics, it’s worth taking note.

Why Metrics Often Fail in Social Systems

Metrics tend to misfire when applied to the inherently chaotic world of human interaction. It’s not a mechanical system with predictable outcomes; it’s more of an organic entity with complex, non-linear interactions. So, when metrics disappoint, it’s not the numbers that are at fault but our misplaced expectations of their ability to capture reality.

Turning to Systemic Improvements: The Untold Chapter

If we heed Deming’s advice, our focus shifts from trying to measure the immeasurable to creating conditions for productivity to flourish. When we step back from the Sisyphean task of trying to pin down productivity with metrics, as per Deming’s counsel, we make room for a paradigm shift.

Instead of fixating on measured outcomes, the focus turns towards the fertile ground from which these outcomes naturally emerge. Here’s how this shift fundamentally changes our approach to productivity. (Cf. Quintessence).

Systems Thinking: The Big Picture

Deming was a strong advocate for systems thinking. This perspective urges us to see the workplace not as a collection of isolated variables but as a holistic system. Individual performances are interrelated, affected by the entire system, including leadership styles, workplace culture, communication pathways and a host of other memes. By optimising the system as a whole, we inherently create conditions for better productivity.

Quality of Interactions Over Quantity of Output

If we’re not bogged down by the numbers, we can invest time and energy into what really matters, such as the quality of interactions among team members. High-quality interactions naturally lead to high-quality output. Team members who communicate clearly, collaborate effectively, and feel psychologically safe are more likely to be productive.

By heeding Deming’s advice, we engage in a more holistic, humane, and, ironically, effective approach to boosting productivity. We may not have a neat vanity metric to showcase in the next board meeting, but the signs will be everywhere—in the engagement of the team, the quality of the work, and the satisfaction of your clients.

Improving Without Measuring: Sounds Like Heresy, Doesn’t It?

Here’s the part where some people might think we’re heading into taboo territory. How do we know we’re making progress if we’re not measuring it? The key is to focus on systemic improvements that are intuitively beneficial, such as:

  • Surfacing and reflecting on collective assumptions and beliefs
  • Attending to folks’ needs
  • Enhancing communication channels
  • Making things visible
  • Reducing work-in-progress
  • Emphasising learning and personal development
  • Promoting psychological safety

By attending to these areas, we’re likely moving in the right direction, even if we can’t quantify it.

Feedback Loops: Your New Best Friend

Feedback loops provide insights without the narrow focus of traditional metrics. They allow teams to observe patterns, adapt, and continuously learn. These can range from daily stand-ups to sprint reviews, to customer feedback sessions. The idea is to keep the feedback continuous and actionable.

Holistic Approaches: Taking a Cue from Organisational Psychotherapy

Improving productivity in complex systems requires less of a mechanical approach and more of a therapeutic one. Techniques like organisational psychotherapy aim to uncover underlying issues at the collective subconscious level. By addressing these foundational aspects, we’re more likely to see a genuine shift in productivity.

So, Are We Moving the Needle?

The perennial question still stands: How do we know we’re improving? But maybe we’ve been asking the wrong question. The more relevant question is: Are we creating an environment where improvement is not just possible but inevitable? And what does that environment look like?

So, let’s leave behind the vanity of metrics and embrace the nuanced, often messy journey of actual improvement. The numbers may not make it to a glitzy PowerPoint presentation, but the positive change will be palpable. And isn’t that what really matters?

I, Relate

September 3, 2023
Article, Capability development, Collaboration, Community, Culture change, Dialogue, Empathy, Joy, Organisational effectiveness, Organisational Therapy, Relationships
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I, Relate

The Unlikely Union: How the Relationship Counselling Ethos Boosts Software Development Productivity

Why Should Techies Care About Relationship Counselling?

At first glance, you might think that relationship counselling and software development occupy opposite ends of the spectrum. Yet, delve a little deeper and you’ll see that both fields share a core essence: human interaction. In a nutshell, successful software development relies on effective communication, collaboration, and conflict resolution, elements that relationship counselling has mastered. Let’s explore how relationship counselling ethos and techniques can turbocharge software development productivity.

The Fabric of Teamwork: Trust and Open Communication

Software development isn’t a one-man show. It involves designers, developers, testers, customers, and often, cross-functional teams from other departments. This melting pot can either cook up an extraordinary result or turn into a recipe for disaster. That’s where relationship counselling principles come into play. Trust-building exercises and open communication channels, often advocated by relationship counselling, can help team members understand and respect each other’s roles, fostering a more cohesive working environment.

Conflict Resolution: The Relationship Counselling Way

Conflicts are part and parcel of any collaboration, let alone software development with its tight deadlines and constant need for problem-solving. Relationship counselling is adept at resolving disputes and finding middle ground, skills that are just as useful in the tech world. Techniques such as active listening and ‘I’ statements can pave the way for constructive discussions, rather than finger-pointing or blame games. This encourages quicker resolution of issues, saving both time and sanity.

Emotional Intelligence: Not Just for Lovers

While emotional intelligence (EQ) might sound like the antithesis of the logic-driven tech sphere, it’s surprisingly crucial. High EQ can enhance problem-solving abilities and contribute to better collaboration. Relationship counselling’s focus on developing emotional intelligence can help team members become more aware of their own reactions and the feelings of others, thereby enhancing overall productivity.

Iterative Improvement: Learning from Relationships

Just like any relationship, software development benefits from periodic check-ins and adjustments. Relationship counselling’s method of iterative feedback and adjustment mirrors prevailing methods in software development. Regular retrospective meetings, a technique in line with relationship counselling’s ethos, allow for continual improvement and adjustment throughout the development life cycle.

The Ripple Effect

Adopting the relationship counselling ethos can have longer-term benefits. Enhanced communication skills, improved conflict resolution abilities, and a heightened emotional intelligence level are not development-specific. They’ll enrich the work environment, thereby leading to better collaborations in the future and stronger, more resilient, more joyful teams.

In Summary

Though it might seem unusual, the relationship counselling ethos offers tangible benefits for software development teams. From trust-building and conflict resolution to fostering emotional intelligence, these techniques can significantly impact productivity. So, the next time you’re stuck in a dev team stand-off or facing a seemingly insurmountable challenge, you might just find the solution in relationship counselling techniques.

Leaders’ Inconsistencies

August 9, 2023
Antimatter principle, Article, Culture change, Dialogue, Lamentation, Leadership, Management, Memeology, Organisational Therapy, Psychology, Quintessence, Reflections, Relationships, Toxic behaviours
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Leaders’ Inconsistencies

In every institution—whether in politics, business, or broader community contexts—we frequently observe those in authority saying one thing and doing another. It’s not just about broken campaign promises or managers who preach work-life balance while flooding inboxes at midnight. This inconsistency has far-reaching implications, especially when considering the concept of pragmatic legitimacy.

Espoused Theory vs Theory in Action: An Introduction

Chris Argyris’s groundbreaking insights shed light on this phenomenon. He distinguished between “espoused theory” (what people claim they believe) and “theory in action” (how they actually behave). For example, a leader might verbally prioritize team input (“espoused theory”) but may sideline their team in decision-making processes (“theory in action”).

Impacts of Inconsistent Leadership

  1. Erosion of Credibility: A clear disparity between words and deeds erodes leaders’ credibility. When words are at odds with by actions, followers and stakeholders are left questioning the authenticity of the leader’s commitments.
  2. Mistrust and Cynicism: Inconsistent actions breed skepticism. Over time, this could dampen motivation and commitment, leading stakeholders to question the leader’s genuine intentions.
  3. Ambiguity and Misdirection: When words don’t match actions, it creates confusion about actual priorities, making it difficult for subordinates to align their actions with organisational and leaders’ goals.
  4. Organisational Dysfunction: This kind of behavior can fuel conflicts, inefficiencies, and cultivate a culture of disillusionment.
  5. Undermining Pragmatic Legitimacy: Perhaps one of the most profound impacts is on an organisation’s pragmatic legitimacy. When stakeholders perceive that an organisation’s actions aren’t aligned with its stated goals or aren’t beneficial to them, its pragmatic legitimacy is compromised. A lack of pragmatic legitimacy means stakeholders doubt the organisation’s capacity or willingness to fulfill its promises or meet their needs, which can result in decreased support or commitment from these stakeholders.

Bridging the Divide: Recommendations for Leaders

  1. Enhance Self-awareness: Leaders should continuously introspect and seek feedback. Recognizing one’s inconsistencies is the first step to addressing them.
  2. Foster Open Communication: Encouraging an environment where individuals can voice concerns about perceived discrepancies promotes accountability and transparency.
  3. Prioritize Consistency: Leaders should evaluate if they can truly align with what they promise, setting achievable expectations to maintain credibility.
  4. Acknowledge and Amend: When discrepancies arise, leaders should admit them, apologize, and take measures to correct their course.
  5. Continuous Learning: Regular training sessions emphasizing the importance of consistency in leadership can be instrumental.
  6. Lead by Example: If leaders advocate specific values or principles, they must personify them in their actions.
  7. Tend to your pragmatic legitimacy: By becoming more consistent in aligning saying with doing, thereby improving your legitimacy, stakeholders will lend increased support and commtiment to your initiatives and directions.

Navigating the Discrepancies: Recommendations for Those on the Receiving End

It’s often challenging to be on the receiving end of inconsistent leadership. It can be demotivating, confusing, and sometimes even detrimental to one’s mental health. If you find yourself in such a situation, it’s essential to take proactive steps to preserve your well-being and sanity.

  1. Seek Clarification: If you notice a discrepancy between words and actions, ask for clarification. There might be reasons or perspectives you aren’t aware of. By seeking a clearer understanding, you can align your expectations accordingly.
  2. Maintain Open Communication: Foster an environment where you feel empowered to communicate your feelings and perceptions. This not only helps you address potential misunderstandings but also lets leaders be aware of their inconsistencies.
  3. Document Everything: When you see inconsistencies, make a note of them. This isn’t about “keeping score” but about having a reference point for discussions or to ground your own understanding of events.
  4. Find Support: Confide in colleagues or friends who understand the situation. Sharing experiences can provide validation and sometimes lead to collective solutions or coping strategies.
  5. Set Boundaries: It’s essential to protect your mental and emotional well-being. If you’re consistently receiving mixed signals, it may be necessary to set clear personal and professional boundaries to avoid burnout.
  6. Seek External Mentorship: Connect with mentors outside your immediate work environment. They can provide an outside perspective, offer advice, or sometimes just serve as a sounding board.
  7. Engage in Self-care: Engaging in activities that relax and rejuvenate you is crucial. Whether it’s reading, exercising, meditating, or pursuing a hobby, make sure you have an outlet to destress.
  8. Consider Professional Counseling: If the inconsistency in leadership begins to take a toll on your mental health, consider seeking professional counseling. Therapists can provide coping mechanisms and strategies to navigate such situations.Organisational therapists can support organisation-wide initiatives to help reduce discrepancies between words and actions.
  9. Evaluate Your Position: If you find the environment to be consistently toxic with no signs of change, it may be worth considering a change. Your well-being should always be a top priority. “Change your organisation, or change your organisation”.

Remember, in environments where leaders are inconsistent, it’s essential to prioritise your own personal well-being. By taking proactive steps, you can navigate the challenges while ensuring you remain grounded, supported, and mentally resilient.

To sum it up, pragmatic legitimacy is crucial for any organisation, and leaders play an integral role in upholding it. By aligning their words with their actions, leaders can reinforce trust, maintain credibility, and ensure that stakeholders see the organisation as a beneficial and aligned entity.

Unmasking Ghosting

August 7, 2023
Article, Nonviolence, Relationships, Toxic behaviours
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Unmasking Ghosting

“Ghosting”, a term once confined to the realm of online dating, has stealthily crept into the corridors of business relations and community interactions. It describes the abrupt end of communication from one party, without any explanation or closure. This puzzling phenomenon now pervades various spheres, manifesting in unanswered emails, silent exits from ongoing projects, and an unanticipated distancing from community members.

The Ripple Effect of Ghosting

Ghosting, in its silent exit, leaves in its wake feelings of disrespect, confusion, and devaluation. It can sow seeds of doubt in one’s self-worth, particularly as there is no closure or understanding. In the business context, this abrupt severance disrupts workflows, delays projects, and fosters an atmosphere of uncertainty. Within communities, it fractures cohesion and trust, hampering the collective ability to grow and learn together.

The Ghosters and Their Motives

The motivations behind ghosting are as diverse as the individuals themselves. Some may ghost to avoid confrontations or uncomfortable situations, while others may unintentionally vanish due to personal emergencies or health crises. In business, feelings of being overwhelmed, or inability to meet commitments, may lead some to ghost their partners. However, the central theme here is the lack of communication.

Counteracting Ghosting: Strategies and Approaches

Combating ghosting requires empathy, understanding, and the fostering of open communication. Here are some strategies:

Encouraging Openness

Promote an environment where open communication is the norm. This fosters a culture where individuals feel comfortable voicing concerns and challenges, deterring potential ghosting scenarios.

Mastering The Art of Non-Confrontational Confrontation

If you’ve been ghosted, refrain from personalising the situation. Rather, reach out with a non-threatening message, allowing the other party an opportunity to explain.

Finding Self-Closure

In cases where the ghoster remains unresponsive, it’s crucial to seek closure independently. Validate your feelings, but remember your worth isn’t dependent on the other person’s actions.

Establishing Boundaries

Setting clear expectations and boundaries from the start can help prevent ghosting. This could include outlining communication norms, project commitments, or guidelines for respectful engagement.

Ghosting: A Subtle Form of Violence?

The emotional and psychological stress caused by ghosting calls into question whether this silent act could be considered a form of violence. Violence isn’t just physical harm; it also includes psychological and emotional harm. Ghosting can inflict emotional trauma akin to a form of neglect or abuse, thus aligning with this broader understanding of violence.If you’ve ever been ghosted, you might know the feelings it induces.

However, not all may agree with this perspective due to the variance in the ghoster’s intent. The term “violence” generally implies an intent to harm, but many ghosters may lack this intent. Nevertheless, we might choose to consider the potential damage ghosting can cause and work towards fostering empathy and emotional literacy.

Summary

Ghosting, whether in personal or professional relationships, is a silent yet powerful signal reminding us of the timeless values of respect, communication, and empath.

“Deserving”, Entitlement, and Violence: A Fresh Take on Communication

August 5, 2023
Article, Compassion, Needs, Nonviolent Communication, Relationships
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“Deserving”, Entitlement, and Violence: A Fresh Take on Communication

Understanding Nonviolent Communication

At the heart of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), a method developed by Marshall Rosenberg, lies the principle of shared human connection. As we journey through life, this method can drastically shape how we interpret, understand, and respond to others, especially in heated or challenging situations. Rosenberg dedicated his career to understanding different factors that contribute to aggressive behaviours in our interactions, with a particular emphasis on the concepts of “deserving” and “entitlement”.

Deserving, Entitlement and Their Role in Society

“Deserving” is often used as a benchmark to determine who receives rewards and who gets punishments. Do what someone wants, and you’re seen as deserving of praise; stray from the path and you’re seen as deserving of punishment. Entitlement goes a step further, suggesting that one inherently deserves rewards, respect, or special treatment. It’s within this framework that the ideas of deserving and entitlement can give rise to violence.

The Scope of Violence

Violence, as defined by Rosenberg, isn’t restricted to just physical harm – it encompasses psychological and emotional harm too. This can include anything from passive-aggressive comments or dismissive attitudes, to more direct forms like bullying or physical aggression.

The Pitfalls of a Deserving or Entitled Lens

When we view others through a “deserving” or “entitled” lens, we judge them. This perspective can lead us towards a black-and-white mindset: right vs wrong, good vs bad, in vs out. This oversimplified view neglects to consider the complex motivations and needs that drive human behaviour.

For example, imagine a friend who regularly arrives late. An immediate reaction might be, “They deserve to be left out next time,” or, “They’re always late because they feel entitled to our patience.” This viewpoint not only labels and judges your friend, but could also incite conflict or violent communication. The focus is on punishment, rather than understanding the reasons behind their tardiness. (See also: The Fundamental Attribution Error).

The Power Dynamics of Deserving and Entitlement

The mentality of deserving and entitlement can create a power dynamic where some individuals are perceived as superior (those doling out rewards or punishments) and others as subservient (those on the receiving end). This dynamic fuel violence as it cultivates feelings of resentment, rebellion, and anger among those seen as ‘undeserving’ or ‘over-entitled’.

Shifting from Deserving to Needs

Rosenberg’s solution was to invite a shift in thinking – from thinking in terms of ‘deserving’ or ‘entitlement’ to thinking in terms of ‘needs’. Instead of deciding if someone deserves something or not, make an effort to understand the feelings and needs driving their actions. Recognising these needs nurtures empathy and helps to resolve conflicts.

Fostering Understanding and Compassion

Rosenberg advocated for replacing judgment with curiosity, to promote understanding and compassion. By doing so, we can encourage peaceful conflict resolution and cooperative communication, breaking away from the punitive and destructive cycles of reward and punishment.

Conclusion: Towards Healthier Interactions

In conclusion, letting go of the notions of ‘deserving’ and ‘entitlement’ can significantly transform how we approach communication and conflict. Judgment is replaced with understanding, punishment with empathy, and violence with peace. This shift allows us to see each other not in terms of what we and others ‘deserve’ or ‘feel entitled to’, but by what we ‘need’. This, in turn, paves the way for healthier, more compassionate interactions.And world peace.

Talent: Just One More of the Many Delusions in Business

July 28, 2023
Alien tech, Article, Capability development, Culture change, Deming, Doctrine, Fellowship, Improvement, Organisational effectiveness, Productivity, Quintessence, Relationships, Systems thinking
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Talent: Just One More of the Many Delusions in Business

The business world is captivated by talent – an intoxicating attribute that often eclipses other factors. Many leaders believe that by hiring the most talented individuals, they will invariably achieve superior results. This notion, however, can be more delusional than it appears, particularly when viewed through the lens of W. Edwards Deming’s principles and systems thinking.

Deming, a renowned statistician, professor, author, and consultant, is best known for his groundbreaking work in improving production in Japan after World War II. His philosophy champions a systems perspective, emphasising processes, statistical variability, and the importance of culture in an organisation’s performance.

Talent – A Double-Edged Sword

As Deming and systems thinkers would argue, the excessive focus on talent can be misleading, obscuring the importance of organisational systems and culture.

There is a propensity in business to attribute success or failure solely to individual effort and capability, neglecting the critical role of the system within which these individuals operate. When an employee underperforms, it is easy to lay the blame on their lack of talent, rather than investigate systemic issues that may have caused the underperformance. Conversely, when an individual excels, it is tempting to credit their talent alone, ignoring how the system may have enabled their success.

This overemphasis on talent perpetuates what Deming dubbed the “prevailing style of management,” which involves managing by results or objectives, rather than focusing on improving the system. Such an approach can lead to short-term gains but overlooks long-term stability and sustainable growth.

The Power of Systems Thinking

Deming’s philosophy and systems thinking suggest a more holistic approach to understanding performance within organisations. It shifts the focus from individuals (and their talent) to the interconnectedness of components within an organisation, and to the power of interpersonal relationships.

Under this perspective, businesses are viewed as systems composed of interconnected processes. Here, a team’s performance isn’t merely the sum of individual talents; instead, it’s the result of interactions among team members, internal procedures, management practices, and the overall corporate culture.

A systems thinking approach emphasises that most problems and most possibilities for improvement lie in the system, not the individual parts (or talent). It’s estimated that about 94% of performance results from the system, leaving only about 6% attributable to individuals. This insight is a paradigm shift away from our intuitive, but delusional, individual-focused view of performance.

Building Better Business Systems

Recognising the power of systems over individual talent, how should businesses adapt?

Firstly, it’s critical to identify, understand, and improve the systems within which employees work. Rather than overemphasising talent recruitment, focus on the environment that enables or hinders their success.

Secondly, invest in training and development. In Deming’s view, education and continual training are critical to building better systems. Encourage an organisational culture where employees understand and appreciate the systems within which they operate.

Lastly, maintain a focus on continual improvement. Remember that most of the room for improvement lies within the system itself. Foster an environment that encourages questioning, rethinking, and overhauling systems as needed.

Conclusion

Obsession with talent should not distract businesses from the fundamental truth that systems and processes are the primary drivers of performance. Embracing Deming’s philosophy and systems thinking offers a more comprehensive, accurate, and ultimately effective path to long-term business success. Remember, a superstar employee might bring temporary success, but a superb system will bring sustainable growth.

Eschewing Leadership: Why the Era of Fellowship and Team Players is Upon Us

July 12, 2023
Article, Culture change, Fellowship, Leadership, Relationships, Teambuilding
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Eschewing Leadership: Why the Era of Fellowship and Team Players is Upon Us

The conventional concept of ‘leadership’ is giving way to a more collective, inclusive ‘fellowship’. Instead of leaders, we need team players, echoing the tenets of Patrick Lencioni’s “The Ideal Team Player”.

Emphasise Listening

Encourage an atmosphere where every voice matters equally, thus promoting a sense of shared responsibility.

Uphold Collective Empowerment

Forego top-down decisions, replacing them with a more democratic approach. Enable everyone to make decisions and contribute ideas. Cf. Auftragstaktik.

Encourage Empathy

Eliminate the hierarchical perspective and adopt a mindset of understanding and appreciation for every individual’s experiences.

Promote Collaboration

Foster an environment that prizes teamwork and shared objectives over individual hegemony.

Champion Humility

Replace the towering image of a leader with humble team players who are unafraid to admit mistakes and learn from them.

Referencing Lencioni’s work, can a leader ever truly be a team player? The essence of being a team player is to place the team above oneself. By rejecting the conventional leadership role and embracing fellowship, we create a harmonious, democratic, and productive environment. I leave finding an answer to the reader.

How to Build Strong Relationships in the Workplace

July 10, 2023
Article, Empathy, Listening, Nonviolent Communication, Relationships
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How to Build Strong Relationships in the Workplace

I often see folks advocating for “strong relationships” as the sine qua non of solutions for all kinds of workplace issues.

Strong workplace relationships are those that result in improved collaboration, higher job satisfaction, increased productivity, and a more cohesive and joyful team dynamic.

But just HOW to build such relationships?

How To: Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a way of talking and listening that promotes open, compassionate conversations. This method involves speaking our truth honestly, carefully listening to what others are saying, and finding common ground. When used at work, NVC can help solve disputes in a way that brings people together instead of pushing them apart.

How To: Deep Listening

Deep listening is another technique. This requires fully focusing on the person who is speaking, not interrupting or passing judgment, and trying to understand their point of view before responding. This type of attentive listening shows respect and empathy as it communicates that you value the other person’s thoughts and feelings.

How To: Empathy

Empathy is about being fully present with the other person and connecting with their emotional state without judgment, advice, or sympathy. In practicing empathy at work, we’re able to connect deeply with our colleagues’ experiences, emotions, and needs. This not only promotes trust but also forms emotional bonds, helping to alleviate potential conflicts and fostering a more supportive, understanding, and inclusive environment. Such an empathetic approach cultivates an atmosphere where everyone feels seen, heard, and valued, which are integral factors in establishing joyful and meaningful workplace relationships. This builds emotional connections and trust, which can help prevent disputes and create a more supportive and inclusive environment.

How To: Unconditional Positive Regard

Lastly, mutual non-judgmental positive regard is the foundation of any successful relationship. Unconditional positive regard (UPR) leads to productive conversations and collaboration, fostering stronger relationships.

Remember, building strong relationships takes time and consistent effort. By using techniques like NVC, deep listening, empathy, and UPR, relationships in the workplace become more productive and satisfying. This creates an atmosphere where everyone feels valued and heard, thereby strengthening the bonds both within the team and across the enterprise.

Pity, Sympathy, Empathy, and Compassion: Four Pillars of Healthy Workplace Relationships and Their Consequences

July 5, 2023
Article, Compassion, Empathy, Organisational Therapy, Relationships
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Pity, Sympathy, Empathy, and Compassion: Four Pillars of Healthy Workplace Relationships and Their Consequences

Interpersonal relationships in the workplace are pivotal to the success of any organisation. The levels at which we connect with our colleagues – pity, sympathy, empathy, and compassion – each offer unique opportunities for fostering strong ties and driving a culture of cooperation, trust, and resilience. However, these interactions also come with distinct consequences.

Pity, as the first level, often carries an air of condescension. Though the act of acknowledging a colleague’s adversity is important, pity may unintentionally imply a sense of superiority. This can create distance in relationships, a hierarchical perception, and sometimes discomfort for the person being pitied. Thus, it’s critical to ensure the demonstration of understanding does not descend into patronising behavior, as this could lead to an unwelcoming and strained workplace environment.

At the level of sympathy, we see a more genuine emotional reaction to another’s situation. Sympathy can facilitate connections as we show concern and recognise our colleagues’ feelings. This acknowledgment can strengthen the sense of belonging and rapport within teams. However, it can also lead to an overemphasis on negative emotions if not balanced well, which may dampen overall morale or productivity.

Empathy goes beyond simply recognising another’s feelings – it involves experiencing them vicariously. This level fosters an environment of emotional intelligence, mutual understanding, and deeper connections, leading to improved collaboration and teamwork. But, the consequences of empathy can sometimes involve emotional exhaustion or burnout, especially if we’re frequently navigating high-intensity emotional landscapes. It’s essential, therefore, to manage empathetic relationships judiciously, ensuring our own emotional well-being.

Finally, compassion combines understanding, emotional connection, and the urge to help or alleviate another’s suffering. Compassion drives pro-social behavior and positive action in the workplace, boosting employee morale, collaboration, and well-being. The downside, however, might involve blurred professional boundaries and over-commitment, which can strain resources and disrupt work-life balance. Still, if carefully managed, compassion stands as the highest pillar in fostering a productive and nurturing work environment.

Each of these levels offers unique possibilities and challenges in building and managing workplace relationships. By understanding the consequences that arise from each, we can consciously guide our interactions and foster an environment that balances emotional connections with productivity, encouraging not only individual growth but also the overall success of our relationships.

What Kind of Team Fruit Are You?

June 19, 2023
Article, Community, Psychology, Relationships, Self-organisation, Teambuilding
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Team Fruit Bowl Quiz

Take the quiz to find out what’s important to your teamies.

This quiz is based on my new book “The Team Fruit Bowl”, now available on LeanPub .

Quiz version v1.0.
Based on: The Team Fruit Bowl book, version v1.2

Which Fruit Best Characterises Your Team?

Learn a little more about your team and how it sees itself. Try this quiz yourself, and then compare your answers with your teamies, or tackle the quiz together, as a teambuilding exercise.

The Benefits

Understanding the characteristics of your team offers numerous benefits, not only for the team as a whole but also for each individual teamie. Here are just some of the key benefits:

  1. Effective Communication: By understanding your team’s characteristics, you can identify the best methods for communication. Some people may prefer direct, straightforward information, while others might need more context or prefer a softer approach. Understanding these preferences can improve the clarity and effectiveness of team communication.
  2. Enhanced Collaboration: Different teamies will have different strengths, weaknesses, and working styles. By understanding these, you can better collaborate, as tasks can be allocated in a way that plays to each person’s strengths and compensates for their weaknesses.
  3. Conflict Resolution: Knowing your teamies’ characteristics can help anticipate potential conflicts and handle them more effectively when they do arise. Understanding different personality types can provide insights into how individuals might react in a conflict situation and what resolution strategies might be most effective.
  4. Motivation: Different people are motivated in different ways. Some teamies may be more driven by their need for recognition, while others might value autonomy or the opportunity for professional growth. By knowing the needs of your teamies, you can help create an environment that maximises motivation and productivity.
  5. Building Trust: Understanding and acknowledging the individual characteristics of teamies can help build trust within the team. When teamies feel understood and valued for their unique contributions, they are likely to trust their colleagues and peers more.
  6. Professional Development: With an understanding of your team’s characteristics, you can provide more personalised feedback and professional development opportunities. This can help each teamie grow and improve in a way that aligns with their skills, needs, and career goals.
  7. Increased Effectiveness: Understanding the dynamics and characteristics of your team allows for the development of effective workflows and processes. You can design these to take advantage of the unique skills and talents in your team, leading to increased efficiency and productivity.

Rationale

Knowing a team’s characteristics contributes to effective team management and can lead to improved performance, better relationships, and a more positive work environment. The use of fruit as a metaphor adds some fun and can reduce the discomfort that some teamies may feel whilst discussing these things.

Instructions

For each question, select the answer that best describes your team. At the end, tally up the number of times you selected each fruit. The fruit with the most selections represents your team.

The Quiz

  1. When your team faces a challenge, you…
  • (Banana) Stick together and learn from the experience.
  • (Pomegranate) Leverage the diversity and unique skills of each team member.
  • (Kumquat) Show resilience and bounce back stronger.
  • (Pineapple) Use your tough exterior to protect the team while maintaining a rewarding essence.
  1. Your team’s growth is best described as…
  • (Banana) Synchronous, with each individual ripening at their own pace.
  • (Mango) Slow and steady, with patience and meticulous care.
  • (Watermelon) Fast and exciting, with a juicy interior.
  • (Blueberry) Incremental, with many small contributions adding up.
  1. Your team’s approach to diversity is…
  • (Pomegranate) Embracing unity within diversity.
  • (Apple) Appreciating and leveraging the unique qualities of each team member.
  • (Grape) Forming a close-knit cluster where everyone contributes.
  • (Pineapple) Balancing a tough, protective exterior with a sweet, rewarding interior.
  1. Your team’s approach to balance and harmony is…
  • (Pear) Focusing on shape and ripening, understanding that everyone grows at their own pace.
  • (Orange) Forming layers and connected segments, with everyone playing their part.
  • (Grape) Forming a close-knit cluster, with everyone working closely together.
  • (Peach) Balancing the soft and hard aspects of teamwork.
  1. Your team’s approach to innovation is…
  • (Apple) Nurturing core assumptions and beliefs while embracing the power of diversity.
  • (Lemon) Making lemonade out of lemons, seeing challenges as opportunities to innovate.
  • (Raspberry) Embracing delicacy and fellowship, understanding that great ideas can come from anywhere.
  • (Blueberry) Believing that many small contributions can add up to big innovations.
  1. Your team’s approach to team dynamics is…
  • (Banana) Understanding that growth might come with some bruises, but seeing them as opportunities for learning.
  • (Pomegranate) Emphasizing the integral role each team member plays in the team.
  • (Kumquat) Showing resilience in the face of challenges.
  • (Pineapple) Balancing a tough, protective exterior with a sweet, rewarding interior.
  1. Your team’s approach to team identity and culture is…
  • (Pomegranate) Emphasizing the integral role each team member plays in the team.
  • (Apple) Nurturing core assumptions and beliefs, providing unity and direction.
  • (Orange) Forming layers and connected segments, with everyone playing their part.
  • (Grape) Forming a close-knit cluster where everyone contributes.
  1. Your team’s approach to team development is…
  • (Banana) Understanding that growth might come with some bruises, but seeing them as opportunities for learning.
  • (Mango) Believing in patience and meticulous care.
  • (Watermelon) Growing fast and seizing opportunities.
  • (Blueberry) Believing that many small contributions can add up to big results.
  1. Your team’s approach to team unity is…
  • (Pomegranate) Emphasizing the integral role each team member plays in the team.
  • (Apple) Nurturing core assumptions and beliefs, providing unity and direction.
  • (Orange) Forming layers and connected segments, with everyone playing their part.
  • (Grape) Forming a close-knit cluster where everyone contributes.
  1. Your team’s approach to team resilience is…
  • (Banana) Understanding that growth might come with some bruises, but seeing them as opportunities for learning.
  • (Kumquat) Showing resilience in the face of challenges.
  • (Pineapple) Balancing a tough, protective exterior with a sweet, rewarding interior.
  • (Lemon) Making lemonade out of lemons, seeing challenges as opportunities to innovate.
  1. Your team’s approach to team growth is…
  • (Banana) Understanding that growth might come with some bruises, but seeing them as opportunities for learning.
  • (Mango) Believing in patience and meticulous care.
  • (Watermelon) Growing fast and seizing opportunities.
  • (Blueberry) Believing that many small contributions can add up to big results.
  1. Your team’s approach to team diversity is…
  • (Pomegranate) Emphasizing the integral role each team member plays in the team.
  • (Apple) Appreciating and leveraging the unique qualities of each team member.
  • (Orange) Forming layers and connected segments, with everyone playing their part.
  • (Grape) Forming a close-knit cluster where everyone contributes.
  1. Your team’s approach to team balance is…
  • (Pear) Focusing on shape and ripening, understanding that everyone grows at their own pace.
  • (Orange) Forming layers and connected segments, with everyone playing their part.
  • (Grape) Forming a close-knit cluster, with everyone working closely together.
  • (Peach) Balancing the soft and hard aspects of teamwork.
  1. Your team’s approach to team harmony is…
  • (Pear) Focusing on shape and ripening, understanding that everyone grows at their own pace.
  • (Orange) Forming layers and connected segments, with everyone playing their part.
  • (Grape) Forming a close-knit cluster, with everyone working closely together.
  • (Peach) Balancing the soft and hard aspects of teamwork.
  1. Your team’s approach to team innovation is…
  • (Apple) Nurturing core assumptions and beliefs while embracing the power of diversity.
  • (Lemon) Making lemonade out of lemons, seeing challenges as opportunities to innovate.
  • (Raspberry) Embracing delicacy and fellowship, understanding that great ideas can come from anywhere.
  • (Blueberry) Believing that many small contributions can add up to big innovations.
  1. Your team’s approach to team dynamics is…
  • (Banana) Understanding that growth might come with some bruises, but seeing them as opportunities for learning.
  • (Pomegranate) Emphasizing the integral role each team member plays in the team.
  • (Kumquat) Showing resilience in the face of challenges.
  • (Pineapple) Balancing a tough, protective exterior with a sweet, rewarding interior.
  1. Your team’s approach to team identity and culture is…
  • (Pomegranate) Emphasizing the integral role each team member plays in the team.
  • (Apple) Nurturing core assumptions and beliefs, providing unity and direction.
  • (Orange) Forming layers and connected segments, with everyone playing their part.
  • (Grape) Forming a close-knit cluster where everyone contributes.
  1. Your team’s approach to team development is…
  • (Banana) Understanding that growth might come with some bruises, but seeing them as opportunities for learning.
  • (Mango) Believing in patience and meticulous care.
  • (Watermelon) Growing fast and seizing opportunities.
  • (Blueberry) Believing that many small contributions can add up to big results.
  1. Your team’s approach to team unity is…
  • (Pomegranate) Emphasizing the integral role each team member plays in the team.
  • (Apple) Nurturing core assumptions and beliefs, providing unity and direction.
  • (Orange) Forming layers and connected segments, with everyone playing their part.
  • (Grape) Forming a close-knit cluster where everyone contributes.
  1. Your team’s approach to team resilience is…
  • (Banana) Understanding that growth might come with some bruises, but seeing them as opportunities for learning.
  • (Kumquat) Showing resilience in the face of challenges.
  • (Pineapple) Balancing a tough, protective exterior with a sweet, rewarding interior.
  • (Lemon) Making lemonade out of lemons, seeing challenges as opportunities to innovate.

After participants answer these questions, you can tally the results to determine which fruit most closely represents your team. The fruit with the most selections represents your team.

Just in case you were wondering: Some questions appear more than once. This is intentional.