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Why Does Telling Fail?

October 10, 2023
Actionable Insights, Antimatter principle, Article, Business, Culture change, Empathy, Listening
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Why Does Telling Fail?

What’s Wrong with Directives?

We often think that conveying information directly is the most effective way to communicate. However, psychology tells us it’s not that straightforward. When we instruct someone, we unknowingly activate psychological mechanisms that can, in fact, make the message less impactful or even counterproductive.

Why Do People Resist?

Human beings have a strong psychological need for autonomy. When we’re told what to do, we may perceive their freedom as being threatened, leading to an automatic response of resistance. This phenomenon is known as psychological reactance. Instead of facilitating change or fostering understanding, the act of telling can often make us dig in our heels.

Does Age Matter?

Contrary to popular belief, reactance isn’t limited to rebellious teenagers. Adults are equally prone to resist when they feel that their autonomy is being compromised. In the workplace, for example, managers who rely solely on directives find their teams less engaged and less productive.

Can Telling Be Ineffective?

Not only can telling lead to resistance, but it can also be a flawed method for conveying complex ideas or nuanced perspectives. Simplifying intricate issues into directives often results in misunderstanding, as it strips the topic of its necessary context.

What Happens to Learning?

When someone is told what to do or think, they’re less likely to engage in deep cognitive processes necessary for true understanding. The lack of critical thought and internalisation means that any change is likely to be superficial and temporary.

What Are the Alternatives?

Clearly, the traditional methods of telling or instructing have their limitations. So, what approaches can we employ instead?

Is Active Engagement the Key?

Encouraging people to participate in discussions allows them to feel a sense of ownership over their decisions. Active engagement not only satisfies the need for autonomy but also fosters a deeper understanding of the issues at hand. Caution: How often have we been encouraged to participate in a discussion only to find it mere “engagement theatre”?

How About Empathy?

Understanding the emotional states and perspectives of others can facilitate more effective communication. Empathic approaches may include asking questions to explore someone’s needa and views or using reflective empathic listening to show that you understand their point of view.

A New Way Forward

Telling doesn’t work as effectively as we’d like because it often triggers psychological resistance and fails to convey necessary context. To communicate more effectively, consider using methods that promote active engagement and empathy. These alternative approaches respect the psychological needs of the individual and are likely to lead to more meaningful understanding and change.

Chatbots and Unmet Needs

September 28, 2023
AI, Antimatter principle, Article, Chatbots, Language, Listening, Needs, Organisational effectiveness
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Chatbots and Unmet Needs

What Can Chatbots Really Do?

Chatbots aren’t just virtual customer service agents that can help you book a table at a restaurant. They’re becoming intelligent interfaces capable of nuanced interactions. And yes, they can help uncover and discover the unmet needs of not just customers, but all those who matter in an organisational setting.

Who Are the Folks That Matter?

Before diving into the potential of chatbots, it’s helpful to identify the people whose needs we aim to understand. In most organisations, this includes employees, management, shareholders, regulators, and of course, customers.

How Do Chatbots Operate Without Analytics?

While it’s easy to assume that data analytics play a key role in this process, chatbots can provide valuable insights without delving too much into data sets. The focus here is on real-time interaction, intuitive questioning and active listening, which form the methods by which chatbots can make a significant impact.

Unearthing Employee Needs

Employees often have concerns and needs that go unexpressed. Whether it’s about workload, work-life balance, or specific job functions, these issues sometimes remain buried. Chatbots provide an anonymous platform where employees can voice their needs without the fear of judgement. The direct feedback is not only candid but also immediate, bypassing the red tape that often comes with traditional methods of internal communication.

What’s in It for Management?

Management teams also have a lot to gain. From understanding organisational dynamics to gauging employee morale, chatbots can ask the right questions that elicit actionable responses. Here too, methods like focused questioning make these bots valuable assets in decision-making processes.

Can Shareholders Benefit?

Certainly. Shareholders often seek insights into an organisation’s operations, financial health, and future direction. Although not a substitute for comprehensive reports, chatbots can provide immediate, digestible information that answers shareholders’ queries effectively. This immediate line of communication can help identify needs that may otherwise remain hidden.

Anticipating Customer Needs

We can’t overlook the role of chatbots in understanding and even anticipating customers’ needs. Unlike traditional methods that may rely on extensive data analysis, chatbots engage in real-time dialogue. These conversations can reveal not just stated needs but also anticipate latent needs that the customer might not even be aware of.

What’s Next?

As organisations adopt more sophisticated technology, the capabilities of chatbots are likely to expand. However, their primary function remains rooted in communication. Whether it’s for employees, management, shareholders, regulators or customers, chatbots offer a unique way of uncovering unmet needs without relying heavily on analytics or extensive research. It’s all about asking the right questions and listening—something that chatbots are getting increasingly good at.

Genuine Empathy in AI?

August 10, 2023
AI, Article, Compassion, Dialogue, Empathy, Listening, Nonviolent Communication, Prompt Engineering
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Genuine Empathy in AI?

In the digital age, with AI permeating human interactions, the call for machines to exhibit genuine empathy becomes not only desirable but essential. As these systems engage with humans in fields ranging from healthcare to customer service, genuine empathy fosters trust, understanding, and human-like connection. Beyond these human-machine interfaces, there’s a burgeoning realm of AI-to-AI interaction and self-reflective AI systems that beckon exploration. To grasp the profound nature and nuances of this empathetic challenge, let’s dive into David Bohm’s holistic consciousness and Marshall Rosenberg’s intricate empathy.

The Rosenbarg Perspective on Empathy

Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), had a profound understanding of empathy, which was central to his teachings. NVC is a communication process designed to improve compassionate connection with others, and empathy plays a pivotal role in this process.

For Rosenberg, empathy was more than just understanding someone’s feelings. Here’s how he defined and conceptualised empathy:

  1. Deep, Compassionate Presence: Rosenberg believed that empathy involves being deeply present with someone, without judgment, analysis, or interpretation. This means setting aside our evaluations and simply being with the person, connecting to what they are experiencing in the current moment.
  2. Feeling WITH Someone: Rather than feeling FOR someone (sympathy), empathy, according to Rosenberg, is about feeling WITH them. This involves a deep connection where you’re not just observing or understanding their feelings but genuinely connecting with their emotional state.
  3. Avoiding Advice, Sympathy, or Analysis: One of the distinct aspects of Rosenberg’s definition of empathy is what it’s not. He emphasised that genuine empathy is not about giving advice, offering sympathy, explaining things, or telling stories of our similar experiences. Empathy is about fully being with the other person in their emotional experience. IOW It’s all about them and what they’re feeling.
  4. Understanding the Feeling and Need: In the NVC process, Rosenberg pointed out the importance of identifying and understanding both the feeling and the underlying need of the individual. Empathy, in this context, is about recognising what someone is feeling and what they are needing or longing for that is causing that feeling.
  5. Receiving “from the Heart”: For Rosenberg, empathy was also about “receiving from the heart.” This means connecting with the essence of what the person is saying, beyond the words or the surface level, and truly being with them in their emotional state.
  6. A Way of Being, Not Just Doing: While many view empathy as an action or a response, Rosenberg viewed it as a way of being. It’s not just about doing empathetic things or saying empathetic words, but genuinely embodying a state of compassionate connection with others.

In summary, Marshall Rosenberg’s definition of empathy is deeply rooted in compassionate connection, presence, and understanding. It’s about being fully with someone in their emotional experience, free from judgments or preconceived notions, and connecting with their feelings and needs. This approach to empathy, integral to Nonviolent Communication, offers a profound way to relate to and connect with others.

Interconnected Consciousness and the Depth of Empathy

Bohm’s “undivided wholeness” paints a universe of interconnected consciousness. Rosenberg’s empathy, meanwhile, anchors on compassionate presence, understanding intrinsic feelings and needs without judgment.

In the AI realm, this suggests that for genuine empathy to manifest, machines must not only echo Bohm’s interconnected consciousness but also embody Rosenberg’s deep connection.

Material Thought, AI, and Empathic Being

Bohm saw thoughts as material entities deeply embedded within consciousness. Here lies a challenge: Can AI’s logical, algorithmic processes merge with Rosenberg’s notion of empathy as an emotional state of being? Genuine empathy, for AI, isn’t just about recognising patterns; it’s a plunge into heartfelt connection.

Fragmentation and Genuine Connection

Both luminaries warn against fragmented perceptions. Bohm believes in holistic comprehension, and Rosenberg advocates for deep, undistorted empathy. AI, shaped by human perspectives, must break free from inherited fragmented thinking to truly embrace Rosenberg’s full-spectrum empathy.

Beyond the Surface: The Deep Dive into Emotion

Mirroring Bohm’s multilayered reality, Rosenberg’s empathy probes beneath emotions to the root needs. AI’s challenge is twofold: understand the explicit while journeying into the profound realm of human needs.

AI Dialogues and Emotional Resonance

Open dialogues hold significance in both Bohm’s and Rosenberg’s teachings. For AI to grasp genuine empathy, it must not only partake in these dialogues with humans but resonate emotionally, discerning feelings and needs.

Empathy Between AIs and Self-reflection Within an AI

Moving beyond human-AI interaction, consider the realm where AIs interact amongst themselves. Do they need a form of empathy? Would that be useful?  In AI-to-AI dynamics, empathy can facilitate smoother interactions, helping systems anticipate and complement each other’s operations.

Then there’s introspective AI – systems capable of self-reflection. For a machine to reflect upon its actions and learn autonomously, a form of empathy, understanding its ‘state’ or ‘condition’ in relation to its environment and objectives, could be pivotal. This self-empathy, a blend of Bohm’s interconnectedness and Rosenberg’s depth of feeling, might be the cornerstone for advanced autonomous AI evolution.

Conclusion

Bohm’s and Rosenberg’s intertwined teachings sketch a roadmap for AI’s empathetic journey, covering human interactions, AI interrelations, and machine introspection. This isn’t just a technical endeavor but a deep philosophical quest, navigating interconnected consciousness and the heart of compassionate connection.

Rosenberg and Bohm: A Dialogue on Empathy and Consciousness

Scene: A serene garden setting. Birds chirp in the background. A table is set with two chairs. David Bohm and Marshall Rosenberg sit facing each other, cups of tea in hand.

Bohm: Marshall, I’ve always been fascinated by your perspective on empathy, which resonates with my understanding of the interconnected nature of consciousness. For me, every fragment of the universe is interconnected, a holistic whole.

Rosenberg: David, that’s interesting because empathy, in my view, is also about seeing the interconnectedness of human emotions and needs. It’s about fully connecting with another person’s experience without judgments, just being present with them.

Bohm: Precisely! Our thoughts are material, and they shape and are shaped by this interconnectedness. When we fragment and compartmentalize, we miss out on this wholeness. This mirrors your notion of avoiding advice or analysis and just being present, doesn’t it?

Rosenberg: Absolutely. Fragmentation in communication leads to a lack of understanding. Empathy requires that deep, unfragmented connection. It’s not about feeling for someone; it’s about feeling with them, tapping into their emotional state and understanding the underlying needs.

Bohm: That aligns with the notion of the implicate order, where there’s a deeper reality beneath the surface phenomena. Genuine empathy, as you describe it, seems to be about tapping into that deeper realm of emotions and needs, acknowledging the hidden wholeness.

Rosenberg: Indeed, David. And as we embrace technology, especially AI, it’s vital to infuse these systems with a sense of this deep understanding and interconnectedness. While machines might never truly “feel” like humans do, they can be designed to respect this profound interrelation of emotions and needs.

Bohm: Precisely, Marshall. While AI might reflect the patterns we teach them, if they can be designed to recognise and respect this interconnected web of emotions and consciousness, their interactions with humans and even with each other would be harmonious.

Rosenberg: That’s a beautiful vision, David. Machines that understand the value of unfragmented, empathetic connections, mirroring the essence of Nonviolent Communication in their interactions.

Bohm: And remaining true to the undivided wholeness of the universe, fostering genuine connections rather than superficial ones.

After a thoughtful pause, the two draft a communique:

Communiqué from David Bohm and Marshall Rosenberg:

“In the evolving tapestry of human-machine integration, we underscore the importance of fostering genuine, unfragmented connections. Just as the universe is an interconnected whole, and human interactions thrive on deep, empathetic understanding, we envision a future where technology respects and mirrors this profound interconnectedness. AI systems, while they might not ‘feel’ in the human sense, should be designed to recognise, respect, and operate within this web of interconnected emotions and consciousness. This is our shared vision for a harmonious coexistence between man and machine.”

The two nod in agreement, taking a sip of their tea, the world around them echoing their sentiment of interconnectedness and understanding.

Further Reading

  1. Bohm, D. (1980). Wholeness and the Implicate Order. Routledge & Kegan Paul.
    • In this seminal work, physicist David Bohm explores the nature of reality, suggesting that the world consists of deeper layers of reality that are hidden or “implicate”. Drawing upon quantum theory, Bohm presents a revised framework for understanding the universe as an undivided whole where every part is connected to every other part. This thought-provoking treatise challenges conventional notions of fragmentation and separation, proposing instead a holistic worldview that has significant implications for various disciplines, from physics to philosophy.
  2. Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press.
    • Marshall Rosenberg’s foundational book introduces the transformative approach to communication known as Nonviolent Communication (NVC). NVC emphasizes empathy, compassion, and understanding in interpersonal interactions, urging individuals to connect with the needs and feelings of others without judgment. Rosenberg provides practical strategies for de-escalating conflicts, fostering deeper relationships, and building communities rooted in mutual respect. This work is especially valuable for anyone seeking to improve personal and professional relationships through the power of compassionate communication.

For those looking to delve deep into the interconnected nature of reality or seeking transformative communication strategies that emphasise genuine empathy and connection, these two works offer invaluable insights.

How to Carry a Conversation: The Art of Social Interaction

August 6, 2023
Article, Conversations, Culture change, Dialogue, haiku, Listening, Needs, Nonviolent Communication, Quintessence, Teambuilding
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How to Carry a Conversation: The Art of Social Interaction

Introduction

This is a blog post I’ve needed to write for a long time. I’m not sure just why it’s taken me so long to get round to it, but here it is at last. 🙂

Conversations are central to human connection. They provide a platform for us to express our thoughts, relay experiences, and foster relationships with others. However, carrying a conversation, especially with unfamiliar individuals or in unknown settings, can be challenging. To “carry a conversation” means to maintain the flow and interest of a discussion, ensuring it doesn’t falter or collapse, especially during potential lulls, and meets the needs of all involved.

Imagine a conversation as a series of peaks and troughs. The peaks represent those magical moments when both participants are engaged, sharing ideas, and feeling connected. The troughs, while inevitable in most conversations, are where one might experience moments of silence, discomfort, or disconnect. It’s during these troughs that the true skill of a conversationalist shines through.

The good news is, the art of conversation is a skill that can be acquired by all, and refined with practice and the right techniques. In this post, we’ll delve into methods to enhance your conversational abilities and discuss the profound benefits that accompany this skill.

Personally, engagiging conversations tick most of my boxes. And PS: Chats and conversations are entirely different things AFAIC.

The Benefits of Proficient Conversation Skills:

  1. Strengthening Relationships: Whether friendships, familial ties, or professional connections, adept conversation can enhance these bonds.
  2. Personal Growth: Diverse conversations expand your perspectives, challenge pre-existing beliefs, and augment your knowledge base.
  3. Professional Advancement: Effective dialogue can facilitate opportunities in the professional realm, from networking to job interviews and client communications.
  4. Boosted Self-confidence: As you become more adept in social interactions, your confidence in your ability to communicate and understand others increases.

One-to-One Conversations:

Engaging in a one-to-one conversation can be both intimate and intense. It offers an opportunity for deeper connection and understanding. Here are a few techniques tailored for such settings:

  1. Maintain Eye Contact: This displays attentiveness and interest, fostering a sense of connection.
  2. Personalise the Discussion: Tap into shared experiences or explore topics of mutual interest.
  3. Offer Validation: Let the other person know you value their thoughts by acknowledging their feelings and viewpoints.
  4. Avoid Distractions: Turn off or put away your phone to show that you are entirely present.

Conversations with More Than Two People:

Group conversations can be dynamic and diverse but might require different strategies:

  1. Be Inclusive: Make an effort to involve everyone, ensuring no one feels left out.
  2. Moderate when Needed: If one individual dominates the conversation, raise the issue so others can express their feeling of the matter and invite remediation.
  3. Track Multiple Threads: With multiple people, various subjects may arise. Be adept at keeping up and weaving between topics. Flag bifurcations so participants have the opportunity to express their needs and adress remediations if needed.
  4. Acknowledge Different Opinions: Groups often have people who express varied viewpoints. Invite participants to acknowledge these differences and act together to keep the conversation on track (just which track lies in the hands of everyone, together).

Techniques for Effective Conversations

  1. Make it Mutual: This is crucial. Unless the conversation heads where BOTH parties (or all parties) need it to, it can falter, degenerate, and potentially collapse. WHich, by the way, may be for the best. Make regular check-ins during the conversation to assess how others are feeling, and gauge the extent to which everyone’s needs are being met.
  2. Folks have to NEED the Connection: Understand that conversation provides invaluable opportunity for connection. With an inherent need for connection, y’all will naturally seek ways to foster and continue the dialogue. While pauses are natural, inevitable, and perfectly acceptable, always strive to pick up the thread and carry the conversation further.
  3. Engage in Active Listening: Beyond mere hearing, active listening involves being truly present. This entails understanding the other person’s perspective and demonstrating genuine interest.
  4. Don’t be Overly Concerned with Active Listening: Fake it till you make it, as they say. The continued conversation is the thing.
  5. Carry the Conversation at All Costs: Take the initiative in ensuring the conversation flows. While it’s essential to listen, it’s equally important to drive the conversation, especially in moments of silence or potential stagnation, rather than let it peter out beforew everyone has got their conversation-related needs met.
  6. Pick Up The Pauses: Each time a break in the flow happens, try restarting the flow with an innocent question, possibly from the Clean Language canon.
  7. Pose Open-ended Queries: Instead of questions that yield a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’, opt for ones that necessitate more comprehensive responses. For instance, rather than asking “Did you enjoy your holiday?”, consider “I’d love to hear about the standout moments of your holiday. Would you be willing to share?”
  8. Demonstrate Empathy: Convey understanding and compassion. When someone shares an experience, express empathy with phrases like, “That sounds challenging for you”.
  9. Ensure Equitable Participation: Ensure that the conversation isn’t one-sided. Allow the other individual(s) ample opportunity to participate.
  10. Stay Informed: Being aware of current affairs, literature, or cultural events provides a wide range of topics for discussion. However, be mindful of potentially controversial subjects, and irrelevancies.
  11. Mind Your Body Language: Maintain appropriate eye contact, lean in subtly to indicate engagement, and ensure your posture remains open and approachable.
  12. Recognise When to Adjust: If you detect a lack of interest or discomfort, it’s advisable to flag your noticing, and invite action to e.g. transition the topic or guide the conversation in a new direction.
  13. Share Relevant Anecdotes: Personal stories, when pertinent to the conversation, can captivate and engage the listener. They can also bore and frustrate. Beware – and remain attentive to the conversation-related needs of all participants (including your own).
  14. Avoid Listening to Reply: If you’re continuously concerned about crafting the perfect response, the natural progression of the dialogue might flounder. Focus on the present exchange and understand that occasional pauses are natural.
  15. Practice Makes Perfect: As with any skill, the more you intentionally engage in conversation, the more adept you’ll become. Interact with a variety of people in diverse settings to refine your abilities and skills.

In Conclusion

Mastering the art of conversation is an ongoing journey. It’s about forging genuine human connections, not achieving perfection. With patience and regular practice, you can evolve into someone who not only carries conversations but also deeply values the meaningful connections they cultivate. The essence of the matter is, it’s not about being the most intriguing person in the room, but the most interested in and considerate of your fellow conversationalist(s). And remember, it takes everyone to have really rewarding conversation. As with many things, it’s the environment / system / context that matters at least as much as individual conversational skills.

Haiku

Hearts deeply listen,
Talk flows, turning into art,
Timeless bonds are born.

Further Reading

For those interested in delving deeper into the intricacies of conversation and the art of dialogue, consider the following works:

  • Bohm, D. (1996). On Dialogue. Routledge.

David Bohm’s “On Dialogue” is a foundational text that explores the nature and purpose of dialogue, highlighting its transformative potential. Bohm discusses the barriers that prevent true dialogue and offers insights into fostering genuine and meaningful communication. It’s a must-read for anyone seeking a profound understanding of conversation and human connection.

  • Isaacs, W. (1999). Dialogue and the Art of Thinking Together. Currency.

William Isaacs’ “Dialogue and the Art of Thinking Together” delves into the transformative potential of dialogue in personal and professional settings. Isaacs presents a compelling argument for the need to foster genuine dialogues, emphasizing the value of collective thinking. He offers practical techniques and principles to facilitate more meaningful communications, inspired by his experiences and research in the field. An essential read for those aspiring to enhance their communicative prowess and cultivate deeper connections in group settings.

How to Build Strong Relationships in the Workplace

July 10, 2023
Article, Empathy, Listening, Nonviolent Communication, Relationships
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How to Build Strong Relationships in the Workplace

I often see folks advocating for “strong relationships” as the sine qua non of solutions for all kinds of workplace issues.

Strong workplace relationships are those that result in improved collaboration, higher job satisfaction, increased productivity, and a more cohesive and joyful team dynamic.

But just HOW to build such relationships?

How To: Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a way of talking and listening that promotes open, compassionate conversations. This method involves speaking our truth honestly, carefully listening to what others are saying, and finding common ground. When used at work, NVC can help solve disputes in a way that brings people together instead of pushing them apart.

How To: Deep Listening

Deep listening is another technique. This requires fully focusing on the person who is speaking, not interrupting or passing judgment, and trying to understand their point of view before responding. This type of attentive listening shows respect and empathy as it communicates that you value the other person’s thoughts and feelings.

How To: Empathy

Empathy is about being fully present with the other person and connecting with their emotional state without judgment, advice, or sympathy. In practicing empathy at work, we’re able to connect deeply with our colleagues’ experiences, emotions, and needs. This not only promotes trust but also forms emotional bonds, helping to alleviate potential conflicts and fostering a more supportive, understanding, and inclusive environment. Such an empathetic approach cultivates an atmosphere where everyone feels seen, heard, and valued, which are integral factors in establishing joyful and meaningful workplace relationships. This builds emotional connections and trust, which can help prevent disputes and create a more supportive and inclusive environment.

How To: Unconditional Positive Regard

Lastly, mutual non-judgmental positive regard is the foundation of any successful relationship. Unconditional positive regard (UPR) leads to productive conversations and collaboration, fostering stronger relationships.

Remember, building strong relationships takes time and consistent effort. By using techniques like NVC, deep listening, empathy, and UPR, relationships in the workplace become more productive and satisfying. This creates an atmosphere where everyone feels valued and heard, thereby strengthening the bonds both within the team and across the enterprise.

The Art of Navigating Limiting Beliefs in Organisations

July 5, 2023
Article, Culture change, Empathy, Listening, Memeology, Organisational effectiveness, Organisational Therapy
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The Art of Navigating Limiting Beliefs in Organisations

Every organisation carries certain beliefs that it clings onto tightly, even in the face of logical argument. These beliefs largely define the organisation’s identity – and definitely its culture. A significant portion of these beliefs can be beneficial or neutral, such as adherence to certain opinions on people and processes. However, they may become harmful when they rigidly limit thinking, progress, work against the organisation’s objectives, or foster unhealthy work dynamics.

Different types of beliefs exist within an organisation. Some beliefs can provide employees with a sense of purpose and meaning, whilst others might veer towards organisational mistrust or unconstructive cynicism. The intensity and manner of clinging to these beliefs are what distinguish them as helpful, neutral, or harmful.

As organisational psychotherapists, we must confront the challenge of navigating these deeply held, often irrational beliefs. When such beliefs cause dysfunction or harm within the organisation, it raises critical questions for us. Is it our duty to challenge these beliefs? Is it even appropriate for us to do so? What biases or beliefs might we be introducing to the conversation?

A useful concept to employ in this situation is the exploration of the consequences of these beliefs. Instead of directly challenging a belief, we can acknowledge it as sincerely held and begin to explore several key questions:

“What opportunities does this belief create or impede for our organisation? (How does it empower or disempower us?)”

“What does this belief allow or prevent us from doing? (How does it impact our ability to perform at our best?)”

“How does this belief influence our interactions with each other? (And with suppliers, customers, regulators, etc.)”

This approach effectively reduces the automatic defensive response triggered when beliefs are threatened (the Backfire Effect). It allows the organisation to step back from a defensive or proselytizing mode and begin to recognise other perspectives, even if it’s not yet ready to adopt or endorse them. Encouraging the organisation to hear its own beliefs reflected back can be a first step towards developing empathetic listening skills.

This approach also allows us, as therapists, to challenge our own assumptions, particularly the notion that our role is anything to do with “helping the client see reason”. An alternative is that our role is to facilitate the client’s curiosity about other perspectives. Changes in beliefs should be seen as the responsibility of the client, not ours.

Transformational moments do occur, but they’re often rare compared to a gradual realisation that existing collective assumptions and beliefs aren’t benefiting the organisation.

Conversations facilitated by organisational psychotherapy usually represent small, yet significant steps in this longer journey of organisational exploration and change.

How Do We Change a System That Doesn’t Want to Change?

June 2, 2023
Alien tech, Article, Culture change, Empathy, Listening, Needs, Organisational effectiveness, Organisational Therapy, Quintessence
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How Do We Change a System That Doesn’t Want to Change?

Changing a system that doesn’t want to change is hard. To do so invites us to focus on needs, not wants. Wants are like wishes, but needs are what drive action. So, change requires us together to change what the system needs.

This means we need to change what the people who own and run the system need. They decide how the system works. Their needs shape it. For positive change, their needs must fit with the changes we need.

One way to do this is to invite folks to consider why the change is good. Let’s say a business is reluctant to address “people issues”. By illustrating, with dialogue, how people are central to them getting their needs met, work can be easier, save money, and make customers happier.

Organisational culture is also key. It’s like the personality of the business. It decides how people think and act at work. If we can change this culture, it can also change what the system and those in charge of it need.

In the end, changing a system is about changing its needs. This can help bring the change we all need.

From Exasperation to Excellence: How a Project Manager Transformed His Relationships by Changing Himself

February 20, 2023
Article, Culture change, Dialogue, Listening, Teambuilding
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From Exasperation to Excellence: How a Project Manager Transformed His Relationships by Changing Himself

[A real-life scenario]

John had been a project manager for over a decade, and he had seen all kinds of projects come and go. He prided himself on his organisational skills, his ability to coordinate teams, and his attention to detail. But today, as he sat at his desk, surrounded by stacks of paperwork and unanswered emails, he was feeling exasperated.

He had just received an update from his team, and it was not good. They were behind schedule, again. Despite his repeated instructions, they were still making the same mistakes, still failing to meet their targets. He rubbed his temples and quietly yelled “Why won’t they just do what I tell ’em?” into his coffee mug.

John had always been a stickler for following procedures and protocols. He believed that if everyone just did what they were supposed to do, everything would run smoothly. But lately, it seemed like his team was working against him. They were resistant to his suggestions, and even when they did agree to his proposals, they failed to follow through.

John knew that he needed to find a way to motivate his team. He tried to put himself in their shoes, to see things from their perspective. Maybe they were feeling overwhelmed, or maybe they needed more support. He decided to call a team meeting to discuss the situation and see if they could come up with a plan to get back on track.

At the meeting, John listened carefully to his team’s concerns. They were feeling stressed and overworked, and they didn’t feel like they had enough support from management. John realised that he had been so focused on results that he had forgotten to show his team that he valued their input and cared about their well-being.

He apologised for his behavior and invited suggestions for some changes he might make. Everyone agreed to schedule regular check-ins with each team member to discuss their needs and offer support. He also took steps to show his team that he valued their input, by including them in decision-making and taking their suggestions seriously.

Over time, John noticed a significant change in his team’s performance. They were more motivated and more willing to work together to achieve their goals. He realised that by taking the time to listen to his team, involve them and show them that he cared, he was better able to build trust and create a more positive work environment.

In the end, John learned that being a project manager isn’t just about giving orders and expecting people to follow them. It’s about building relationships, understanding the team’s needs, and creating an environment where everyone can thrive.

 

The Secret Deeds of Employees that Leave Managers Speechless

February 2, 2023
Article, Culture change, Dialogue, Listening
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The Secret Deeds of Employees that Leave Managers Speechless

Employees can engage in behaviors that managers may find unexpected and even unethical. Some examples include sabotage, defiance, spreading rumors, lying, and selling information. However, it is important to understand that these actions are often rooted in deeper motivations and are not necessarily indicative of malicious intent.

Sabotage, for example, may stem from an employee feeling undervalued or overworked. They may believe that the company or management is not supporting them, and they resort to sabotaging work in an attempt to bring attention to their concerns. In these situations, it is crucial for managers to listen to employee complaints and work to address their concerns.

Defiance can also be a result of frustration with management or company policies. Employees may feel that their opinions, ideas and needs are not being heard, leading them to challenge authority. Again, open communication and a willingness to listen to employee feedback can help resolve these conflicts.

Spreading rumors can be a manifestation of insecurity or a desire for control. Employees may feel that they do not have a direct line of communication with management and resort to spreading rumors to try and gain insight into company decisions or to shape perceptions. Managers can combat this by being transparent in their communications and building trust with employees.

Finally, selling information can be driven by financial need or a belief that the information is not confidential or sensitive. In these cases, it is essential for companies to establish clear guidelines and policies around the handling of confidential information, and to provide employees with the resources they need to succeed.

In conclusion, while employees can engage in behaviors that managers may find unexpected, it is crucial to avoid the Fundamental Attribution Error and understand the underlying motivations. By addressing these motivations and fostering open communication, managers can build a positive workplace culture and minimize the likelihood of unethical behavior.

 

Why I Blog

June 9, 2022
Article, Culture change, Dialogue, Listening, Needs, Nonviolence, Reflections
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Why I Blog

Thare’s a few key reasons why I’ve been consistently and regularly blogging for the best part of fifteen years now:

  1. To invite conversation. I love conversations. I love personal interactions and the exchange of perspectives. Blogging has not served me too well in this regard, so far.
  2. To clarify my thoughts. I find writing my thoughts down serves to refine and clarify them.
  3. To change the world. Some ideas, such as nonviolence, fellowship, love and dialogue have the possibility to change society in general, and the world of work in particular, for the better. I feel privileged to invite folks to encounter these ideas.
  4. To listen to and learn from others, and experience their alternative perspectives.
  5. To share my experiences. I probably have more experience in software delivery (and life) than most. Maybe my sharing equips readers with extra experiences, albeit vicariously.

– Bob

Quintessential Applications – Come Join Us!

May 11, 2022
Alien tech, Article, Community, Dialogue, Fellowship, Listening, Quintessence, Recruiting, Software Delivery, Teambuilding
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Quintessential Applications – Come Join Us!

What do we need to see in applications from potential Quintessential fellows? Well, we definitely don’t want to see a CV or resume. We don’t grok how what you’ve done in the past speaks to your potential in the future. We choose to see our fellows as capable of anything, given the necessary support and environment.

We would like to be surprised by the things you feel represent your best. Maybe a list of the things you’ve read and found insightful, such as blog posts, articles, books and so on. Or the times you’ve most enjoyed getting together with others to deliver great software and great experiences. Or maybe the topics in which you have the most interest, and some contributions you’ve made or intend to make in those areas. Maybe you’d be willing to share your take on Quintessence, on Organisational Psychotherapy, or some intriguing questions or practical experience you may have regarding excellence in software delivery. Opinions are way less interesting to us, compared to evidence.

It might be interesting to hear about the terms and conditions you guess you might be needing, including things like pay, hours, locations, equipment, team mates, etc..

Take a look at the list of skills we consider most useful, and tell us about your own skills and aspirations in those areas, or even in other areas you feel may be relevant. Although some “hard” tech skills such as coding and UX might be interesting, we’d love to enroll fellows with outstanding soft skills – these rank higher in our priorities. For example, the Antimatter Principle is as the heart of everything we do – so we’d love to hear about your experiences with attending to folks’ needs.

We’d also love to hear about times when you’ve taken care of something or someone. And how that felt – bot for you and for them.

Above all, we invite you to share with us why you see yourself as a good fit for our community of fellows, and the ways in which you will contribute to moving our whole community forward – improving the principles and practices of software delivery. And your take on excellence, too.

Go wild! Express yourself. If words and text ain’t your thang, maybe video, or audio, or music, or art, or Zen koans, or haikus, or however you best express yourself.

Our declared purpose is to make a dent in the universe, to make the world a better place through outstanding excellence in software delivery. To bring Alien Tech to the service of human beings. We’d love to hear what these things means to you. And how you see yourself contributing.

We appreciate we’re asking you to dedicate some non-trivial amount of time to representing yourself. And we’ll reciprocate by dedicating our time to paying attention to your application. And we will happily help you evolve your application from e.g. small beginnings, incrementally. No need for a one-shot big- bang application. Doing things together is, of course, a hallmark of The Quintessential Group.

We’re looking forward to hearing from you – whatever the medium, whatever the format. As Marshall McLuhan said, the medium is the message.

– Bob

First Step Towards Quintessence

May 8, 2022
Alien tech, Article, Business, Culture change, Dialogue, Improvement, Listening, Memeology, Organisational Therapy, Quintessence
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First Step Towards Quintessence

Taking a look at the idea of Quintessence can seem overwhelmingly daunting. Changing the culture of a whole organisation? Shifting assumptions and beliefs of an entire workforce, managers and executives included? Wow. Some herculean task?

Formidable Challenge

The challenge can seem truly formidable. Yet the benefits look appealing. 

How to take that first step? What is the most useful and reassuring first step?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

~ Lao Tzu

Surfacing And Reflecting

The clue is on the cover of my second book, “Memeology“. The subtitle reads

Surfacing and reflecting on the organisation’s collective assumptions and beliefs.

I find a useful first step is talking with peers. And listening to what they have to say. Discovering if there’s an appetite for such surfacing and reflecting. Uncovering their challenges of the moment, and sounding out potential allies. Persuasion comes later, if at all.

The status quo has a powerful grip on busy people. It’s easy to dismiss calls for change in the midst of daily stressors such as fire-fighting and chasing targets.

Timbre

What’s the timbre of dialogue in your organisation? Progressive or regressive? Inviting or dismissive? What timbre might best suit the kinds of dialogue implied by Quintessence? How might y’all affect that timbre? And could you use some help with that?

Chatting Is The First Step

To recap – simple chatting with friends, neighbours, peers and colleagues can be the vital first step. And “Alien Tech” can sometimes serve as an icebreaker, if you feel you need one.

– Bob

 

“Please, just attend to my needs”

January 22, 2022
Antimatter principle, Article, Caring, Compassion, Culture change, Listening, Psychology, Quintessence
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“Please, just attend to my needs”

This is the silent plea of everyone in your organisation (and everyone in our lives, for that matter).

Silent because of fear of appearing weak or needy. And silent because those in need rarely realise they have unmet needs, let alone realise that their needs could be attended to.

Are you hearing their requests? Are you doing something, anything, about them?

How would you feel if your heartfelt pleas continually fell on deaf ears? Do you care how others might be feeling?

– Bob

The Way Forward

January 16, 2022
Antimatter principle, Article, Business, Capability development, Culture change, Dialogue, Improvement, Listening, Management, Memeology, Needs, Organisational effectiveness, Organisational Therapy, Productivity, Quintessence
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The Way Forward

By way of a counterpoint to my previous post “What’s Holding Us Back“, I’m interested in the way forward for the software industry, businesses, and society in general.

It’s become delightfully obvious to me that a whole raft of helpful assumptions and beliefs constitute that way forward.

In my most recent books (Memeology, Quintessence) I detail these helpful assumptions and beliefs at length, and again in keeping with my preference for short blog posts, I’ll just summarise, here…

Here’s some of the major assumptions and beliefs helpful to enabling organisations better achieve success:

  • Generalising specialists form the core of quintessential organisations (see e.g. Paint Drip People).
  • Continual small changes in assumptions and beliefs (kaizen), with occasional larger step changes (Kaikaku) are the way to effect improvements.
  • Change is desirable, best left to serendipity, and better seen in small daily increments.
  • Dialogue is at the core of improvements, in relationships and the way the work works, both.
  • Everyone’s needs matter (at least for all the Folks That Matter). See also: the Antimatter Principle.
  • Clarity and honesty on what constitutes “success” is the only way to align folks and see everyone’s real needs are being attended to.
  • Culture is the visible by-product of the invisible set of prevailing assumptions and beliefs, and is amenable to intentional change through eg Organisational Psychotherapy (be that facilitated or via self-help).
  • There are many possible organisational structures other than hierarchy. They have all be tried at one time or another. Most have proven more successful that hierarchy.
  • Change always requires revisions to existing policies and rules. See: Innovation ALWAYS Demands We Change the Rules.
  • Talent is unnecessary when we have thriving relationships, and a focus on the way the work works.
  • Interpersonal relationships are core to success.
  • Interesting work and the prospect of community, meaning, and other “soft” elements trumps high pay as a motivator and attractant, every time.
  • Productivity ensues from optimising the way the work works, which in turn requires a focus on collective assumptions and beliefs.
  • Efficiency is a distracting red herring, effectiveness is the path to productivity and success.
  • Business problems are almost never the fault of certain individuals.
  • Breaking the organisation into parts and managing these parts separately is a recipe for significant sub-optimisation and shortfalls in success.
  • In collaborative knowledge work, intrinsic motivation is much more powerful than extrinsic motivation. The latter serves as a demotivator.
  • The social dynamic and listening are the only means to effect changes in people’s behaviours.

…and so on, and so on. 

All the above assumptions have been proven time and again through decades of research. By listening, experimenting and being interested in the science and outliers, our ignorance can be assuaged and enlightened.

– Bob

Quickie: Not Interested

September 20, 2021
Feedback, Listening, Quickies, Reflections, Software development
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Here’s a bunch of things that readers of this blog – and by extension, software folks and execs generally – are not interested in: