The Tough Reality of Making Lives More Wonderful

Why is Helping People So Hard?

I’ve dedicated three decades to pursuing a vocation of helping people. Although the need for help is often evident, the willingness to accept it is far less common. This dissonance creates a nuanced and sometimes difficult environment in which to operate. The challenge lies not only in the provision of help but also in the varying levels of receptivity I encounter.

Why Don’t People Want Help?

On the surface, the equation should be simple: as a general rule, people have needs, and I support them in finding their own solutions. However, in my years of experience, I’ve found that most individuals aren’t actually seeking help, even when they could benefit from it. There’s a persistent gap between the need for assistance and the willingness to engage with it. This chasm often converts what should be a straightforward transaction into an intricate dance, requiring careful and compassionate relationship building.

What Keeps Them From Asking For Help?

The reluctance to seek help is a convoluted issue involving various emotional and psychological elements. Among these are:

• Caution: A fundamental wariness often deters people from exposing their vulnerabilities. Opening up to someone else—especially a relative stranger—requires a leap of faith that many find daunting.
• Pride: The ego can be a significant obstacle. Admitting the need for help can feel like admitting defeat or incompetence, and pride can get in the way of taking that step.
• Shame: Some people feel that asking for help highlights their inadequacies and failures, making them less worthy in their eyes or the eyes of others.
• Guilt: There’s often a sense that one should be able to manage on one’s own and that needing help is a sign of weakness or failure. This guilt can suppress the act of reaching out.
• Fear: The fear of being judged or stigmatised for needing help can be paralysing. It can deter people from seeking assistance even when they genuinely require it.

Additionally, societal norms, which frequently penalise vulnerability and appearing “needy”, serve as another layer of hindrance. This creates an environment where needs go unexpressed, which, in turn, increases the complexity of helping. Helping then requires detective work, identifying hidden needs, and diplomace, navigating sensitive emotional terrains.

Why Can’t People Accept Help?

Even when the stars align and an offer of help coincides with a recognised need, the final hurdle of acceptance remains. The act of accepting help exposes vulnerabilities and can trigger fears of indebtedness or losing autonomy. As such, this step often presents its own unique set of challenges. It necessitates a nuanced understanding of individual psychologies and social dynamics, to ensure that well-intended aid is not just offered but also accepted. Those in the medical professions have long understood the gulf between capability and getting patients to follow treatment regimens (Adherence).

Even when a need is acknowledged and help is readily available, accepting that help is another obstacle entirely. The complexities associated with this final step are multilayered:

• Exposure of Vulnerability: Accepting help usually necessitates revealing weaknesses or inadequacies, which many find deeply uncomfortable.
• Fear of Indebtedness: Accepting someone’s assistance often comes with the implicit or explicit expectation of reciprocity, which can create pressure and stress.
• Loss of Autonomy: Some fear that accepting help means ceding control, undermining their sense of independence or self-sufficiency.
• Negative past experiences: Many people may have experienced being “helped” in the past, with associated negative experiences.

It’s worth noting that this struggle with acceptance is also common in fields like medicine. There, practitioners have long grappled with the difference between having the ability to treat a condition and getting patients to adhere to the necessary protocols.

Therefore, to ensure that help is both offered and accepted, a deep understanding of individual and group psychology and broader social dynamics is essential. It involves a balanced, nuanced approach that considers both the rational and emotional dimensions of human behaviour.

How Can We Adapt to These Challenges?

Over the years, I’ve realised that adaptability is key. Each person is a unique confluence of needs, fears, and social conditioning, requiring an equally unique approach. Employing a blend of empathy, patience, and non-judgment allows us to better navigate the various obstacles that arise in the helping process. This tailored approach aims to dismantle some of the barriers people erect, making it easier for them to both access and accept the help they need.

To sum up, helping people is far from easy, but the complexities make it all the more important. And the outcomes make it so worthwhile. The disconnect between needing and accepting help isn’t a shortcoming but rather a complex interplay of human factors that we must skillfully navigate. The challenges are significant but so too are the rewards for everyone involved.

Summary

Recently, I’ve found it useful to refine my focus within the broad panorama of “helping people.” After decades of navigating the complexities of human needs and resistance, I’ve refocussed my attention on “making lives more wonderful.” This compelling phrase, originally coined by Marshall Rosenberg in the context of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), succinctly conveys a more targeted, positive approach. It not only gels with my longstanding vocation but also addresses the crux of what most people truly desire, even if they can’t articulate it. By focusing on making lives more wonderful, I’m better prepared to handle the challenges that come with helping people. That makes my life more wonderful, too. And I could really use your help in that. 🙂