Taking Responsibility for Our Emotions

The Harsh Truth

One of the most transformative realisations I’ve had from years of studying many schools of therapy is that our emotional responses are solely our own responsibility. No matter what someone else says or does, we alone are responsible for how we internalise their words or deeds, and react, emotionally.

This is a difficult pill to swallow, as we’re conditioned from a young age to blame others for “making” us feel certain ways*. If a co-worker is rude or our boss lays into us, it’s easy to mentally check out and go numb – as a self-defense mechanism – feeling angry at them for causing us distress. But the reality is, no one can make us feel any particular way without our permission.

The Source of Our Emotions

Our emotional responses are fuelled by our thought patterns, beliefs, prior experiences, and state of mind in that moment. Someone’s unskillful behaviour can act as a trigger, but we alone control whether we react with anxiety, defensiveness, anger, or remain grounded. This is where the work comes in.

So few people realise this responsibility is theirs, let alone take it to heart. It’s much easier to play the victim and blame others. But true emotional maturity comes from internalising that our emotions originate from within us, not from other people..

Empowerment at Work

In a workplace context, this philosophy is incredibly empowering. If we have a chronically negative or harsh manager or colleague, we get to decide whether their behaviour sends us into an emotional tailspin or if we react with non-judgement and detachment. Not getting hung up on the emotions of the moment allows us to respond skilfully in misunderstandings and avoid escalations.

A co-worker’s words and actions are about them, not about us. Our colleagues’ unconscious behaviours don’t have to dictate our experience. We get to consciously choose our mindset and emotional state in any situation.

The Greatest Gift

This paradigm shift takes practice, but it’s one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. No longer feeling like helpless victims to others’ emotional outputs. Owning our emotional adulthood and self-accountability. True inner freedom.

It’s available to anyone, but so few people live it. We can choose to do the work to take radical responsibility for our emotions, no matter what others do. We’ll be rewarded with choice and peace in the face of conflict, instead of being unconscious reactors.

*One root of the Myth of Redemptive Violence